The Art Of Balancing An Unequal
Life
by Eileen McDargh
Study the best seller lists of the past few years and you'll notice
titles that range from Peter Lynch's "Beating the Street"
to Thomas Moore's "Care of the Soul: How to Find Depth and
Sacredness in Everyday Life." This juxtaposition captures the
dilemma facing all of us in the business world. How does one swim
with the sharks, squeeze the margins of an angst-filled financial
world, and still lead a life of wholeness in spirit, mind and body?
Nor is this a new question. Marsilio Ficino's 15th Century treatise,
"The Book of Life," sought to help the Medicis and their
merchant counterparts create a renaissance of spirit amid the draining
demands of commerce and a new creature called capitalism.
Whether a Renaissance banker or the CEO of a high tech conglomerate,
whether a guild master of stonework or a manager of information
services, the issue is still one of balance.
But balance is not an equal measure of work, love, prayer and play.
Nor is it a state that can be achieved and frozen in form for all
time. Rather, this amorphous thing called "balance" is
an on-going, deliberate set of decisions that make the journey of
life much like the metaphor of sailing.
Consider the single person sailboat. When there is much wind, the
little boat appears off balance, moving forward at an angle, sails
filled to bursting and the sailor leaning back over the craft, with
one hand on the sheet and toes hooked under the railing. What allows
the sailor to stay in the boat is that he is connected to all the
important parts of that craft. When the wind shifts, so too must
the sailor.
Life is also like that. We give ourselves tremendous mental stress
when we think that life must balance. Having a different image allows
us to see where we might be out of control.
Briefly, there will always be competing and unequal demands upon
our time... much like the tug of the tiller or the push of the
wind. Depending upon the course we have chosen for ourselves, we
respond to these demands. We might decide to change direction, seek
harbor, or give full rein to the beating waves and blustery wind.
The quality of these decisions depends upon the direction of our
sailboat, the prevailing winds, the depth of the water, and the
need for overhaul and repair.
Direction refers to the goals, created by our values, which we have
established. The wind and the depth of the water represent those
people and events, outside our control, which make demands upon
our time. Lastly, overhaul and repair stands for the need to cease
and desist, to nurture and renew our physical and spiritual self,
and to re-examine the course we are sailing.
If we consider sailing as a metaphor for the "balance"
we all seek along life's journey, then what is needed are navigational
aids. What could help all of us on such a journey is a process,
a formula, whereby we might take stock of our decisions, weighing
them against our personal values, goals, and physical requirements.
Since we are all bound by the same relentless 24-hour day, we would
be best served by looking at not how much we can cram into the blocks
called "time", but how wisely do we choose what we put
into our finite day.
Step 1: Answer these questions to help you determine what is of
value to you. Value has more to do with who you are and how you
live your life, not what you have achieved. For example, you might
value life-long learning, financial security, service to others,
loving relationships, and spiritual growth. Once you have identified
what is of value, you have a screen with which to filter through
goals and activities.
One of the best ways to identify values is to create an imaginary
sounding board composed of 4-5 people whom you value and admire
and who, in turn, sincerely respect and like you. If each one were
to give eulogy, what type of person would they say you were and
why. What values arose? What goals or activities supported those
values? Isolate those values and write them down. You might even
be able to rank order the values.
Step 2: For the period of one week, keep a pad of paper handy and
make a note of every task you perform and what role you play. For
example, my roles are professional speaker, writer, wife, mother,
friend, office worker, manager, daughter, sister, student, volunteer,
and just plain ME. The latter refers to a role that nurtures and
cares for me, not necessarily anyone else. Amazingly, I've discovered
that every task is related to a role and that almost all tasks come
in 15 minute increments.
Step 3: On a scale from minus 5 to plus 5, rate these roles and
accompanying tasks according to enjoyment and personal value. In
looking at the tasks of a week, interesting discoveries arise.
Are the various tasks and roles you've played congruent with the
values you've identified? Are you putting more time than is reasonable
into some tasks and roles? The operative word here is "reasonable."
For example, a special friend lost her husband and had no one to
help her with grief and anger, not to mention funeral arrangements
and lawyers. My value of service and loving relationships and the
role as "friend" and also surrogate "daughter"
created many tasks and demands. For me, it would have been unreasonable
not to spend considerable time with Jeanne. The sailboat headed
in her direction.
Another example. I discovered that I was putting far too much time
in the role of "office worker" rather than in the role
of "manager". Instead of assigning tasks and growing others,
I was taking work on that did NOT need to be done by me. Time to
alter course and allow my associates to hold the tiller.
Finally, by putting so much emphasis on the role of professional
speaker and its tasks, I had let drop ME. Time to make decisions
for overhaul and repair, saying "yes" to a day off, to
a day of contemplative silence. I realized that without the silence,
all I bring to the platform and my audiences are echoes of words
rather than insights.
Step 4: Now that you have identified what is, make a list of questions
to ask yourself when you begin to take on a role and task. My list
looks like this:
• Does it support my value for life-long learning and make a difference?
Will it stop another person from growing?
• Will it stretch my abilities?
I recently accepted an assignment that will cost time, money and
effort as well as time away from home. I accepted it because it
will move me into trying something that I have never done before...
an activity directly related to my role of professional speaking
and service.
• Does it allow me to be with people whom I care about?
How often have we all said "yes" to an engagement because
we feel "guilty"? The reality is that we find the people
tedious, demanding, and downright boring. I have finally determined
that if I have limited time with my family and friends, it is perfectly
fine to periodically decline such invitations.
• Is it irresistible?
That's right—"Irresistible". Does what you are about
to say "yes" to come without a significant doubt. Does the request
come without compromise or force from either the offeror or me.
There is no emotional blackmail, no "should", no social
obligation. Irresistible requests are gifts to be gratefully accepted.
If our time is filled only with "resistible" demands,
how we will ever be able to accept the irresistible?
• Is it fun and will it allow for creativity and a change of pace?
• Will it create organization and structure in my life? Am I the
only one who can do this?
• Will it nurture my physical well-being and respect my natural
pace?
I have discovered that unlike many of my colleagues, non-stop travel
is exhausting and not fun. My body requires seven hours of sleep,
regular exercise and down time. I can take only so many back-on-back
engagements before I must say "no". Trusting that I can
say "no" is a lesson I struggle to learn.
• Is it authentic to me and of service to others?
I was asked if I would run for the Board of a non- profit. Knowing
I have strong organizational and leadership abilities not to mention
an ego - saying "yes" to serve the membership SEEMED appropriate.
However, when I tested the request against the other questions listed
above, more negative responses appeared.
The art of balancing an unequal life means that we seek answers
to all these questions before choosing the next activity to put
in our life. Yes there will be days, even months, when the pressure
of every day pushes us into knee-jerk reactions and work seems to
be working us. External forces and folks seem to be pushing us for
more, for faster, for further. Once realized, stop. Lower the sails.
Breathe. Ask yourself these questions. Remember, there is a big
difference between the leading edge and the bleeding edge. Alienation
from our authentic, deepest self and each other draws blood. Connection
to our core and the humanity around us draws life.
Sail on!
© Eileen McDargh, McDargh Communications. All rights reserved. You may reprint this article so long as it remains intact with the byline and if all links are made live.
Since 1980, Hall of Fame speaker Eileen McDargh has helped Fortune 100 companies as well as individuals create connections that count and conversations that matter. Her latest book is Gifts from the Mountain-Simple Truths for Life's Complexities. Her other books include Talk Ain't
Cheap...It's Priceless and Work for a Living and Still Be Free to Live, one of the first books to address the notion of balance and authentic work. A 59 year-old grandmother, she recently returned from climbing among the highest mountains in the world. Find out more about this compelling
and effective professional speaker and join her free newsletter by visiting http://www.EileenMcDargh.com.
McDargh
Communications
(949) 496-8640
Eileen@EileenMcDargh.com
www.EileenMcDargh.com
© 2008 McDargh Communications, All rights
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