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Because resiliency is all about growing through challenge or opportunity, it can be pretty frustrating and maybe even disheartening when people don't notice the “new you” that has emerged. My colleague, Dr. Marcia Reynolds, has distilled five ways to encourage people to notice the change. Here are her thoughts: You can use all five in one conversation or separately. They may feel awkward at first, but the behaviors will become habits if you practice them over time. 1. Model the behavior you want. If you want people to notice how you have changed, you need to acknowledge their efforts at changing as well. Duncan Coombe makes a number of good suggestions in his HBR blog post, See "Colleagues as They Are, Not as They Were". Practice seeing people as if meeting them for the first time to discover what is changing or what you may have never noticed. In a previous post, I shared tips on how to shift from expecting to being curious. Not only will people appreciate that you notice what they are working on, it simply feels good to “be seen.” 2. Be clear with your requests. If someone doesn’t notice that you have changed your preferences or behavior, you can ask them to notice without making them wrong. For example, you could say,“You are right that I used to like those things and acted that way. I’ve changed over the past year. Can I share with you what I now like and what I’m doing differently?” “I agree with you that the way I used to handle these situations wasn’t effective. That is why I’ve worked hard to change my habits. Let me share with you the things I’m trying and the results I’m getting.” “Have you noticed I’ve been (showing up on time, including people more in meetings, listening better, acting less defensively, etc)? I am working on changing my behavior. When you don’t notice how I’ve changed, I feel as if you aren’t supporting my growth. I would appreciate if you would acknowledge the efforts I’m making to improve.” 3. Tell the story about what prompted the change. Tell people what inspired you to change your behavior. Stories make a stronger impression than just telling people what they don’t see. Your reason for changing will more likely change their mind than the fact that you have changed. 4. Get them to talk about their own changes. Admit that you might not see the changes other people are working to make. Ask them what they are working on so you can notice and support their efforts, too. 5. Ask for their help in your continuous growth. Sharing your goals and asking for their support might feel uncomfortable, but it is a good way to direct their attention to who you are today instead of what you did yesterday. Let’s practice seeing what’s new in each other every day. For the complete article and ideas from Dr. Marcia Reynolds, take a look here!

I think heroes are people who look for opportunities bigger than themselves. They put themselves on the line to benefit others. And it often comes with no fanfare, no thank you, no awards and no money. The pay is felt in the heart. And in the memory. Meet Bev Beesmeyer, Women’s Air Force Pilot WWII. She was my Mom’s classmate when they trained at the AF base in Sweetwater, Texas. She is among the less-than-100 living WASP who collectively flew 60 million air miles of domestic wartime duty, flying every plane in the U.S. arsenal. Bev flew the B-26 bomber called the Marauder, towing targets for gunnery practice with live ammunition. It was not without hazard. Thirty two WASP died in the course of duty but because they were not considered official military, there were no benefits and in at least one case, the women passed the hat to send the body home to the parents. Unceremoniously disbanded in 1944, the Air Force refused to let women back in the cockpits of military planes for 30 years! Bev (affectionately called Beezy) left to work in an airport—doing anything to keep herself close to flying. In the course of her 97 years, she’s delivered planes, been a fight instructor, ran a string of employment agencies, and retired to Marina del Rey, driving speed boats and then Leisure World to take up golfing and her love of painting. Despite the loss of her partner, breast cancer, hearing loss and macular degeneration, Beezy still lives alone with day time caregivers. Through all these adventures and losses, Beezy has remained a resilient, upbeat soul. She turns her head to one side, peers out of what’s left of her vision and paints through a gigantic magnifying glass. But mention “plane” and she’s ready to be taken out to the flight line in her wheel chair. Just last week, she was assisted into an AT-6 and taken up where the pilot let her do some acrobatics. She’s a hero to me—for what she did and continues to do. She has appeared on numerous panels and was a prime subject in the PBS special We Served Too, the Movie. To all the women and men who served us then as now, a grateful nation salutes you. PS: In 2010, the WASP were finally awarded the Congressional Gold Medal for their service.

Sitting on my dresser are two dolls : Sally Walker and Bridsell. These are from my childhood, lost someplace, packed away and my sister found them. She located a doll doctor who could replace the hair on the bald bride doll and give her a new dress (only the second one for Bridsell.) Sally Walker also got new hair. The mold is gone from her eye, and now when I move her legs, she turns her head. Susan surprised me with them at Christmas. Yes, I cried. It took Susan to see these dolls and realize that despite the horrible state of their being, they could be resurrected. They could be transformed and still bring joy and memories into my life. Months later, as I saw them perched on stands in my bedroom, it struck me: people are just like these dolls. They can be beaten, downtrodden, discouraged, and forgotten. Events might have tapped out whatever was left of their energy. And yet—it is love— that can mend WHAT IS into WHAT CAN BE. It’s an internal and external task. It takes self and it takes others. I hope you like my poem: The People Menders Somewhere beneath bald spot and hand caked with dirt A little boy lived, afraid and quite hurt And under the tweed with patch on the arm Once lurked boyish laughter and urchin street charm Away from the perfume and dress with a frill Stalked dreams and the music of a shy tiny girl The leather briefcase with engraved name plate Hid the pain of teen years with no one to date And seated so straight in the CEO chair In school they said “stupid”; he remembered and dared And high on a stage, performing for all loomed a past of rejection she felt in school halls We carry inside the pains of our past We walk today shadowed by memories held fast To think ourselves new and rise to new heights We embrace what once was and let go of the night More quickly it comes if our hands will extend To celebrate others who also must mend There are menders for dolls and pastors for souls But where is the healer who can make people whole? For the body and mind and the spirit within Are the substance of life and the world we live in. What would it take to heal, patch and sew To soothe and calm, add balm to the soul? Perhaps mending selves is done in two parts We mend self and others when we open our hearts.

Look on Amazon.com and you will discover over 304,000 titles with the word “leadership” or “leader”.  Can there really be that much that is different in all of them?  Perhaps some of us are just slow learners? Or, as is often the case, perhaps we need to read/hear something many times in a different format before it finally sinks in? Maybe we make it too complicated. I’m pretty simple. Leaders are not born nor do they become one by means of a title or rank.  Rather, leadership comes from a place of concern for others and a belief that one can make a positive difference.  But it is also about behavior that honors all people. It is not bombastic, ego-centered, or self-serving. It’s about inclusion versus exclusion. True leadership involves building up rather than tearing down. And it is rare. Such a very sad state of affairs!  Right now, across the U.S. and the globe, we are seeing behavior that is the opposite of true leadership. From the boardrooms to bedrooms, from community centers to Congressional offices, from college campuses to international arenas, we are seeing behavior that is so counter to true leadership. If you go to this link, http://www.trueleadercreed.com you will find a series of statements about what true leader behavior looks like.  Put yourself to the litmus test. How do you stack up? Perhaps some behaviors are easier than others?  What would your colleagues say? Can you take the pledge? Then, think of anyone in a leadership position or who aspires to be in that position. How do they stack up? Have we covered all the behaviors? If not, what might you add? We’d love to hear from you!

Having just celebrated Mother’s Day (four years after Mom’s death at age 96), I find myself thinking of all the lessons which she provided for us that are great insights into resilient living. Mostly in the form of one liners, Mom would make pronouncements that had we 3 kids either nodding in agreement, groaning in frustration, or shaking our heads wondering “where did THAT come from?” It is in retrospect that I can find extended wisdom in some of her “momisms”. See if any of these resonate with you. “If I don’t have a good day, it’s my own fault.” This was her pat answer when someone, normally a store clerk, told her to have a good day. Read anything about positive psychology and you realize that the locus of control is within. We DO have the power to determine whether a day is good or not. In fact, that locus of control is the entire thesis behind Carol Dweck’s best-selling book, Mindset. Mom had it down waaaaayy before psychologists started to explore personal power. “Watch your manners!” Resilient relationships are forged in respect for the other person. Courtesy is simple respect. Isn’t that why when we are treated rudely by a someone, we make a silent vow to have little to do with them? Considering the rude and crude tone in our current political scene, Mom would be pointing a finger at the television set and telling those candidates to “mind your manners!” “Wear clean underwear in case…” I don’t even have to finish this one. Every audience can always complete this sentence for me. It seems to be part of the maternal DNA that somehow just pops out. Other than the obvious, I think there is wisdom in being prepared for the unexpected. There are things we can do in our life and our work that can be safeguards. From bringing a back-up outfit when you travel to making sure that your nearest and dearest know all of your pertinent personal information if something does happen. I’ll bet you, my dear readers, can think of some of your own “momisms”. I’d love to know what they are. Mostly, however, this post is to celebrate the women in our lives who cared enough to set us straight, to admonish, to hug, and even chastise at times. If you are lucky to still have such a mother in your life, maybe you could make every day Mother’s Day. I miss you, Mom!

The flowers that are in full bloom are wonderful. The weeds that have taken over one corner are terrible. To get my garden in world class condition and ready for the competitive eye of my neighbor is exactly what every leader must do: seed, feed, and weed. Consider the “season.” In today’s 24-hour global economy, it would appear that there is no season, nothing that distinguishes night from day. Grow, grow. Sell, sell. But the smart leader watches the sky, reads the clouds, and can tell when there are shifts to indicate a new season. Bring products to market at the wrong time or introduce an idea without understanding timing and the “garden” can quickly resemble a piece of scorched earth. Give credence to the unexpected and control what you can control. The El Niño weather has not only raised havoc with my roses but spawned dangerous storms and opposing droughts throughout the world. Leaders face “El Niños”: market downturns, a coup in Africa, airline strikes, terrorist attacks. You name it. A great leader takes all precautions and then remains flexible and ready for the unexpected. Scenario planning, a strategy first employed by Royal Dutch Shell, brings experts from a wide range of fields together to discuss actions if different scenarios take place. Scenario planning allows you to think out—in advance—various options. In like fashion, my corner of the garage has all the tools, sprays, and plant potions necessary for probable surprises. Plant seeds and give space to the sowers. A smart leader knows that it is only through dialogue that ideas can sprout and take root. Instead of jealously guarding “my ideas, my client, my territory,” a leader with an eye toward growing a “garden” takes no ownership but rather seeks to find which seeds have merit. Like the biblical passage, some seeds will wither on rocks or find little moisture in shallow soil. But others will be carried to places where they flourish. When newcomers bring ideas from other industries and businesses, are they welcomed or are they rooted out because “that’s not how we do things here”? Feed different plants differently. Not every plant needs the same thing, yet all plants must eat. A “garden-wise” leader understands “nothing is so unequal as the equal treatment of unequals.” Just as each voice has its own unique sonogram, each employee, associate, and stakeholder needs a unique blend of “food.” For some, the “food” is numbers: “Give me numbers and I thrive.” For many, it’s the opportunity to learn and advance in knowledge. For others, it’s the engaging nature of the work itself that offers fulfillment. Weeding is backbreaking work. A great leader hates this part of the task. It means fact-finding. Accountability. Time. Not everything that is “green” belongs in my garden. Not every associate belongs with you. In fact, firing customers at times can also be the healthiest long-term fertilizer for a vibrant business. Leaders must take time to stop and “smell the roses.” I can get so overwhelmed with the “work” of my garden that I forget why I planted it. Why have you planted your “garden”? Are there people who delight in the work of your hands? When you step back and gaze at your enterprise, are you pleased with what you see? Spring is now here. How does your “garden” grow?This post originally was originally published by the Lead Change Group as Five Leadership Lessons From the Garden at http://leadchangegroup.com/five-leadership-lessons-from-the-garden

Come meet my friend, Achim Nowak. We shared many a lunch at Wisdom 2.0 in San Francisco. I asked him to share a thought about deep listening as a way to become more adaptable. After all, that is a critical resiliency skill. We need to hear more than just words. I hope you enjoy! 3 Things We Hear With Our Third Ear I have always loved the notion of a Third Eye. According to chakra symbology, the Third Eye sits right in the center of our forehead. Smack above our eyebrows. It is the place in our body that links to our intuition. It’s also the pathway to any psychic powers we may possess. Cool. But a Third Ear? What the heck is that? Joyce F. Brown is the president of the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan, one of the preeminent US breeding grounds for future fashionistas. Ms. Brown is also a psychologist. When she was asked what helps her to be a successful leader, Ms. Brown replied with little hesitation: I am convinced that I have a third ear. (New York Times, Business Section, 7/21/2013) The third ear, according to Brown,is the ear that hears the nuances. Love that. And the moment I read those two word –third ear–I think of the various nuances we hear with our third ear: Nuance IN the spoken word A few months ago I was settling into a seat on Virgin Air, getting situated for a flight to San Francisco. A fellow strolls by, stops, glances at the seat next to mine and then announces:We’re neighboring. Wow, I think to myself, what an exquisite phrase that is. Neighboring. A phrase full of nuance and surprise. We quickly engage. My chat with Mark turns out to be, hands-down, the most enriching chat I have ever had with anyone on a plane. It began with a nuanced word. Nuance IN what isn’t said You have had this conversation, right? Your boss offers you a compliment, and she offers it with a good deal of zest: You did a fine job with this report! Nice, until we hear the words that weren’t said. It wasn’t You did a superb job! It wasn’t You did an outstanding job! Now, your boss may not be the sort of person that volunteers extravagant praise. I don’t propose we second-guess her. But make sure your third ear hears the praise for what it is, not for what you desire it to be. And if you’re the boss who wishes to offer extravagant praise, make sure your choice of language reflects your intent. Nuance BENEATH the spoken word In the early 90s I was trained at the Brooklyn Courts to become a mediator. I value this training more than my Organizational Psychology degree or most other formal learning opportunities I’ve had. The crux of what I learned: In any remotely difficult conversation, certain core emotions are likely bubbling below the surface. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Regret. Sometimes these emotions are explicitly expressed through words. Most of the time they are contained. They are always the real language behind the conversations. Want to positively shape a conversation? Activate your third ear. Hear the emotion that is covered up. A little paradox: In a world where events unfold at lightning speed, it is easy to miss the nuances. And yet, in this rapid-fire world, our ability to be resilient has quickly become the ultimate personal-success-currency. Resilient behavior is at its finest when you and I listen with our Third Ear. Notice the nuances, consider them, celebrate them. When we do, we acknowledge the complexity of life AND we make smarter choices. We invoke greater success. How very cool is that! Achim Nowak C-Suite Coach, International Authority on Presence and Personal Impact, Author of The Moment, Infectious, and Power Speaking (www.influens.com)

Ok, let’s face it: you already do not like this headline. Whatever is going on in your life right now, you are doing your best to handle it.  Or are you? My Resiliency Group colleague , Joe Tye, just released his newest book, Winning the War with Yourself Field Manual . Using timeless principles of military strategists ranging from Roman soldiers to modern-day generals, Tye offers clear-cut strategies to handle all the things we (yes, me too) do to sabotage ourselves. It all has to do with those internal, infernal voices. You know, the ones that say things like: "Who do you think you are?" "Hey, it’s not my fault. Life is just unfair." " What if I fail?" "I’ll never be as good as…" and the big one that I see operating right now across our nation: "I am afraid…" Fear prompts us into wanting life to be presented in black and white. Absolutes we think keep us safe. So we read and hear generalized statements that demonize people of different races, religions, background, and social status.We want one and only one answer. And without it, we give in to the terror of our imagination.We become our own worst enemy. When the horror of 9/11 happened, executives of U.S. air carriers had, what Joe describes as, "a collective panic attack". Within weeks, they fired more than 140,000 airline employees thus playing right into the hands of terrorist because such a move sent the global economy reeling.The then-president of United Airlines warned employees that their company would perish.  Wow! What an uplifting message. Imagination generated fear. But Joe insists: "Fear is a reaction, Courage is a decision." In the aftermath of 9/11, all of my speaking engagements were canceled. As one client told me, corporate attorneys did not want anyone flying for fear of a lawsuit! I begged them to let me come. I was not (and am not) afraid to fly. What a perfectly incredible time to help groups to come together, to let me facilitate their conversation, and to help teams find their courage. In fact, I said I would donate my time. Alas, no one took me up on it. Fear took the place of courage. Joe is so right when he insists that fear causes you to overestimate the nature of a challenge and to underestimate our own resources. We have the resources to be thoughtful, compassionate people. We have the resources to listen carefully to different opinion. We have the creative capacity to think of new ways of responding rather than pulling out old methods. There’s a wonderful children’s story, The Monster Who Grew Small. It’s a story for children of all ages. In summation, the little boy was known as"Miobi," which meant, basically – "Scaredy-Cat". Yet, he was the only one of his village who with trembling heart, climbed to the top of the mountain to face "the monster" that had his village living in terror. The moral was, the closer the little boy came to "the monster", the smaller it became. Face what you fear. Move closer. It might very well be much smaller and even harmless. But the best lesson of this story came from my grandson who was age six. When the teacher asked the children if the little boy was brave, everyone agreed except my Keaton. Keaton insisted, "No, he was very afraid. He didn’t seek to be brave. He wanted courage." Something to think about.

Resilient organizations headed by resilient managers don’t just look at cutting costs for survival. Rather, they look at what the TRUE cost of such cuts will be. Case in point:  Chef Joseph heads up the pastry kitchen of a well-known hotel in a major metropolitan city.  The hotel hosts huge events and can actually serve as many as 10,000 in a single night through its various function areas. Chef Joseph was hired for his talent and ability to grow and groom his help. However, at a recent function, the chef and I had a very interesting (and sad) conversation.  He complained that he rarely got to do what he was hired to do. Instead, the majority of his time is spent staring at a computer screen, placing orders and learning a new software system. It seems “management” decided to get rid of the purchasing department and now insists that Chef (and others), perform these functions. This means that Chef must find codes for food items, order them and then generate an invoice. Instead of having purchasing send one master invoice to a vendor, each person is charged with creating his own.  (Imagine, too, how upset the vendor is getting with having to respond and file numerous invoices.) Not only is Chef now a very highly paid accounting clerk, but his unhappiness at being pulled from his true work, shows on his face. He added that management decided not to hire from within but rather bring in culinary talent from other areas. “It’s hard enough to get eager young talent and when there is no obvious future for them,” shrugged Chef, “they leave.” Remember, easy solutions to problems often create bigger problems in the long run. Here is how to prevent it: Know the actual hourly wage of salaried personnel. This includes all benefits, SSI, taxes, etc.  In one organization where senior executives insisted on reviewing and signing off on slide decks, it was discovered that their real hourly cost was creating slide decks in excess of $25,000. When this was pointed out to them, the practice stopped except in critical times. Ask what specialized work will not get done, or will be done poorly, if the employee is not returned to the work she was hired to perform. Involve those concerned with the best, most efficient way to get a task accomplished.  What a manager spends on an intern might be returned tenfold if talent stayed focused on core tasks. Decide if this “extra work” adds to the employee’s critical knowledge base and if it can serve the organization (or the employee) later on. Remember, what makes logical sense on paper can very well be a wildly stupid decision later on.

Lola celebrated her 86th birthday by standing up and moving her feet to music while husband Hank hand held her hands. She awkwardly danced to tunes blaring from a CD player. As I watched, I cried. Might not sound like much, but to my amazing resilient friend, it was a triumph. Two years earlier, a crash totaled their car, whipped her neck, and left her bedridden with a growing pressure wound on her heel. When you've lived a life that started two months too early at a birth weight of 1.7 oz, and a cerebral hemorrhage that damaged her left side, the accident was yet another crushing blow. Starting from the time she was three with surgery to stretch the tendons in her left foot, she's endured pain, severe falls, and 19 surgeries that included operations for breast cancer and a triple lumbar fusion. I've seen her in casts, in slings, both with stiches and bruises. And yet, in all of this, she manages to pull herself up, bare four gigantic sons, and remain married to her handful of a Dutch husband. How does she do it? What lessons can she teach about resiliency? Plenty. Positive self-talk is critical. Lola speaks out loud her intentions for healing and for seeing herself strong. She also asks others to echo back what she says, as if the reverberation will settle deep into her mind. Laughter lightens the load. Lola insists her name means "laugh out loud a lot!" That's perfect for a woman who has made her living as a humorist and a teacher. Her laugh and deep North Carolina accent fill a room. She also "snorts" when something strikes her as very funny... a snort I love to imitate which brings up more laughter. Set goals and work on them with a fierce determination. Lola was making progress and her heel had healed but her left foot dropped even more. Then a series of TIAs (mini strokes) sent her backward-a lot. Depression set in but she worked hard to get out of it. She became determined that she would "dance" on her 86-th birthday. She counted off the days. She took her walker and an aide and went to the exercise room to use a recumbent bicycle. She took any and all advice and tried everything. Create stretch goals. To push yourself even further I have watched Lola accept assignments that almost seem foolhardy: Craft a one-woman show to raise money for the local Rotary, Join a band of younger and more raucous woman to perform as "The Funniest Housewives in Orange County". Serve as emcee and warm-up for nationally-recognized comedians. Volunteer at her assisted living residence to run a talent show. When I ask her why she does it, her reply, "I will learn something." Have faith and believe. Raised Catholic, Lola has a deep faith that doesn't need the four walls of a church. She believes God put her on earth for a purpose. Why else would she survive all the incidents that began with her birth? Imagine, no incubators for a premature baby so her parents put the crib in a closet and nailed heaters on all walls. As we enter the season of Spring, I trust that the resiliency lessons gleaned from Lola Gillebaard , my hero, will put a spring in your step, a smile on your face, and determination in your heart. Don't grow older. Grow bolder. Happy Birthday, Lola!

Resiliency requires the ability to find multiple solutions for an opportunity or a challenge. Leave it to a child to look at us in wide-eyed wonder when they offer up something we never even gave the slightest thought to. Actually, we look back at them in wonder and slap our forehead saying, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Like Braille! By the age of five, in 1824, Louise Braille had lost his sight.He developed the raised dot system for reading and writing that bears his name today.What I marvel at is that a five year old was skilled enough in the alphabet and numbers to even consider dots. Remember what it was like to have plain, boring school lockers? Well, if your dad is the CEO of MagnaCard, it took only a request from his daughter to make magnetic locker paper.Her design and patterns netted Daddy a cool $1 million in sales in one year! Hand a kid a set of Legos and watch imagination run wild. One little guy at age five decided he could create a high-powered rocket launcher. I can’t say it was a commercial success BUT it was a design that certainly was not in the catalog of LEGO images.Plus, it kept his grandparents running wild to collect the projectiles and make sure no one was hurt. (OK, it was MY kiddo.) Bottom line: if faced with a vexing problem ask a child how they might solve it.The sky is the limit. Throw the doors wide open.Let the light shine in.You might be amazed at what you find!

We learn from resilient souls often after their death, after words have been said and written about them. Such is the case of Jill Brzezinski-Conley who died of breast cancer at age 38 but left behind a foundation that encouraged people to “Rock What you Got…” The editorial by her friend Laura Ungar in USA TODAY on Feb 17, 2016 caught my eye as well as my heart. The accompanying picture of Jill showed a beautiful woman with a huge laugh and a set of perfect teeth. For those of you who didn’t read that edition, I am taking the liberty of sharing Jill’s lessons that came to her friend Laura because they are too valuable to miss. Here is what Laura shared. Live your purpose Jill proclaimed a purpose of believing that true beauty was defined by kindness, love and confidence. She spoke around the nation, encouraging everyone to ignore the phoniness of physical beauty and look instead at the beauty within. Live in the moment While many of us worry about the future or berate ourselves for the past, Jill apparently kept THIS MOMENT her total focus: from dancing in a kitchen to forgoing chemo to be with her family and friends. Wow. And her I sit worrying about “what’s next?” instead of thinking “What’s now!” Be generous As Laura described her friend, Jill seemed to want to know about others. She wrote messages to other patients, founded a charity to raise money for families fighting cancer and connected with others even up to her last days. Live within someone’s story in order to write about it Jill brought Laura into her world, sharing all that was happening and allowing her to stay beside her as the cancer spread. Read the full story here.  It is not my story to tell. It is Laura’s. As Laura expressed it, Jill’s power was to use her gifts to be an instrument of God. It reminded me that we all are instruments that can be used to inspire and help others. What’s your choice?