Ok, let’s face it: you already do not like this headline. Whatever is going on in your life right now, you are doing your best to handle it.  Or are you? My Resiliency Group colleague , Joe Tye, just released his newest book, Winning the War with Yourself Field Manual . Using timeless principles of military strategists ranging from Roman soldiers to modern-day generals, Tye offers clear-cut strategies to handle all the things we (yes, me too) do to sabotage ourselves. It all has to do with those internal, infernal voices. You know, the ones that say things like: "Who do you think you are?" "Hey, it’s not my fault. Life is just unfair." " What if I fail?" "I’ll never be as good as…" and the big one that I see operating right now across our nation: "I am afraid…" Fear prompts us into wanting life to be presented in black and white. Absolutes we think keep us safe. So we read and hear generalized statements that demonize people of different races, religions, background, and social status.We want one and only one answer. And without it, we give in to the terror of our imagination.We become our own worst enemy. When the horror of 9/11 happened, executives of U.S. air carriers had, what Joe describes as, "a collective panic attack". Within weeks, they fired more than 140,000 airline employees thus playing right into the hands of terrorist because such a move sent the global economy reeling.The then-president of United Airlines warned employees that their company would perish.  Wow! What an uplifting message. Imagination generated fear. But Joe insists: "Fear is a reaction, Courage is a decision." In the aftermath of 9/11, all of my speaking engagements were canceled. As one client told me, corporate attorneys did not want anyone flying for fear of a lawsuit! I begged them to let me come. I was not (and am not) afraid to fly. What a perfectly incredible time to help groups to come together, to let me facilitate their conversation, and to help teams find their courage. In fact, I said I would donate my time. Alas, no one took me up on it. Fear took the place of courage. Joe is so right when he insists that fear causes you to overestimate the nature of a challenge and to underestimate our own resources. We have the resources to be thoughtful, compassionate people. We have the resources to listen carefully to different opinion. We have the creative capacity to think of new ways of responding rather than pulling out old methods. There’s a wonderful children’s story, The Monster Who Grew Small. It’s a story for children of all ages. In summation, the little boy was known as"Miobi," which meant, basically – "Scaredy-Cat". Yet, he was the only one of his village who with trembling heart, climbed to the top of the mountain to face "the monster" that had his village living in terror. The moral was, the closer the little boy came to "the monster", the smaller it became. Face what you fear. Move closer. It might very well be much smaller and even harmless. But the best lesson of this story came from my grandson who was age six. When the teacher asked the children if the little boy was brave, everyone agreed except my Keaton. Keaton insisted, "No, he was very afraid. He didn’t seek to be brave. He wanted courage." Something to think about.

Resilient organizations headed by resilient managers don’t just look at cutting costs for survival. Rather, they look at what the TRUE cost of such cuts will be. Case in point:  Chef Joseph heads up the pastry kitchen of a well-known hotel in a major metropolitan city.  The hotel hosts huge events and can actually serve as many as 10,000 in a single night through its various function areas. Chef Joseph was hired for his talent and ability to grow and groom his help. However, at a recent function, the chef and I had a very interesting (and sad) conversation.  He complained that he rarely got to do what he was hired to do. Instead, the majority of his time is spent staring at a computer screen, placing orders and learning a new software system. It seems “management” decided to get rid of the purchasing department and now insists that Chef (and others), perform these functions. This means that Chef must find codes for food items, order them and then generate an invoice. Instead of having purchasing send one master invoice to a vendor, each person is charged with creating his own.  (Imagine, too, how upset the vendor is getting with having to respond and file numerous invoices.) Not only is Chef now a very highly paid accounting clerk, but his unhappiness at being pulled from his true work, shows on his face. He added that management decided not to hire from within but rather bring in culinary talent from other areas. “It’s hard enough to get eager young talent and when there is no obvious future for them,” shrugged Chef, “they leave.” Remember, easy solutions to problems often create bigger problems in the long run. Here is how to prevent it: Know the actual hourly wage of salaried personnel. This includes all benefits, SSI, taxes, etc.  In one organization where senior executives insisted on reviewing and signing off on slide decks, it was discovered that their real hourly cost was creating slide decks in excess of $25,000. When this was pointed out to them, the practice stopped except in critical times. Ask what specialized work will not get done, or will be done poorly, if the employee is not returned to the work she was hired to perform. Involve those concerned with the best, most efficient way to get a task accomplished.  What a manager spends on an intern might be returned tenfold if talent stayed focused on core tasks. Decide if this “extra work” adds to the employee’s critical knowledge base and if it can serve the organization (or the employee) later on. Remember, what makes logical sense on paper can very well be a wildly stupid decision later on.

Lola celebrated her 86th birthday by standing up and moving her feet to music while husband Hank hand held her hands. She awkwardly danced to tunes blaring from a CD player. As I watched, I cried. Might not sound like much, but to my amazing resilient friend, it was a triumph. Two years earlier, a crash totaled their car, whipped her neck, and left her bedridden with a growing pressure wound on her heel. When you've lived a life that started two months too early at a birth weight of 1.7 oz, and a cerebral hemorrhage that damaged her left side, the accident was yet another crushing blow. Starting from the time she was three with surgery to stretch the tendons in her left foot, she's endured pain, severe falls, and 19 surgeries that included operations for breast cancer and a triple lumbar fusion. I've seen her in casts, in slings, both with stiches and bruises. And yet, in all of this, she manages to pull herself up, bare four gigantic sons, and remain married to her handful of a Dutch husband. How does she do it? What lessons can she teach about resiliency? Plenty. Positive self-talk is critical. Lola speaks out loud her intentions for healing and for seeing herself strong. She also asks others to echo back what she says, as if the reverberation will settle deep into her mind. Laughter lightens the load. Lola insists her name means "laugh out loud a lot!" That's perfect for a woman who has made her living as a humorist and a teacher. Her laugh and deep North Carolina accent fill a room. She also "snorts" when something strikes her as very funny... a snort I love to imitate which brings up more laughter. Set goals and work on them with a fierce determination. Lola was making progress and her heel had healed but her left foot dropped even more. Then a series of TIAs (mini strokes) sent her backward-a lot. Depression set in but she worked hard to get out of it. She became determined that she would "dance" on her 86-th birthday. She counted off the days. She took her walker and an aide and went to the exercise room to use a recumbent bicycle. She took any and all advice and tried everything. Create stretch goals. To push yourself even further I have watched Lola accept assignments that almost seem foolhardy: Craft a one-woman show to raise money for the local Rotary, Join a band of younger and more raucous woman to perform as "The Funniest Housewives in Orange County". Serve as emcee and warm-up for nationally-recognized comedians. Volunteer at her assisted living residence to run a talent show. When I ask her why she does it, her reply, "I will learn something." Have faith and believe. Raised Catholic, Lola has a deep faith that doesn't need the four walls of a church. She believes God put her on earth for a purpose. Why else would she survive all the incidents that began with her birth? Imagine, no incubators for a premature baby so her parents put the crib in a closet and nailed heaters on all walls. As we enter the season of Spring, I trust that the resiliency lessons gleaned from Lola Gillebaard , my hero, will put a spring in your step, a smile on your face, and determination in your heart. Don't grow older. Grow bolder. Happy Birthday, Lola!

Resiliency requires the ability to find multiple solutions for an opportunity or a challenge. Leave it to a child to look at us in wide-eyed wonder when they offer up something we never even gave the slightest thought to. Actually, we look back at them in wonder and slap our forehead saying, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Like Braille! By the age of five, in 1824, Louise Braille had lost his sight.He developed the raised dot system for reading and writing that bears his name today.What I marvel at is that a five year old was skilled enough in the alphabet and numbers to even consider dots. Remember what it was like to have plain, boring school lockers? Well, if your dad is the CEO of MagnaCard, it took only a request from his daughter to make magnetic locker paper.Her design and patterns netted Daddy a cool $1 million in sales in one year! Hand a kid a set of Legos and watch imagination run wild. One little guy at age five decided he could create a high-powered rocket launcher. I can’t say it was a commercial success BUT it was a design that certainly was not in the catalog of LEGO images.Plus, it kept his grandparents running wild to collect the projectiles and make sure no one was hurt. (OK, it was MY kiddo.) Bottom line: if faced with a vexing problem ask a child how they might solve it.The sky is the limit. Throw the doors wide open.Let the light shine in.You might be amazed at what you find!

We learn from resilient souls often after their death, after words have been said and written about them. Such is the case of Jill Brzezinski-Conley who died of breast cancer at age 38 but left behind a foundation that encouraged people to “Rock What you Got…” The editorial by her friend Laura Ungar in USA TODAY on Feb 17, 2016 caught my eye as well as my heart. The accompanying picture of Jill showed a beautiful woman with a huge laugh and a set of perfect teeth. For those of you who didn’t read that edition, I am taking the liberty of sharing Jill’s lessons that came to her friend Laura because they are too valuable to miss. Here is what Laura shared. Live your purpose Jill proclaimed a purpose of believing that true beauty was defined by kindness, love and confidence. She spoke around the nation, encouraging everyone to ignore the phoniness of physical beauty and look instead at the beauty within. Live in the moment While many of us worry about the future or berate ourselves for the past, Jill apparently kept THIS MOMENT her total focus: from dancing in a kitchen to forgoing chemo to be with her family and friends. Wow. And her I sit worrying about “what’s next?” instead of thinking “What’s now!” Be generous As Laura described her friend, Jill seemed to want to know about others. She wrote messages to other patients, founded a charity to raise money for families fighting cancer and connected with others even up to her last days. Live within someone’s story in order to write about it Jill brought Laura into her world, sharing all that was happening and allowing her to stay beside her as the cancer spread. Read the full story here.  It is not my story to tell. It is Laura’s. As Laura expressed it, Jill’s power was to use her gifts to be an instrument of God. It reminded me that we all are instruments that can be used to inspire and help others. What’s your choice?

Want to make a meeting planner crazy and ensure that your name will be next to a notation that says “never again”? Over the past few weeks, I have seen some speaker antics that just blow my mind and, fortunately, convince me that those who are professionals will always have a place at the table. Operate on your time frame and not the client’s. Insist that you cannot come down for rehearsal or microphone check before noon. It is just too hard for you to get out of bed. Ignore the deadline for getting in any slide decks or introductions. Carry your PowerPoint on a flash drive and arrive less than an hour before your appearance, assuming that it can just be uploaded and ready to go. Ignore the context for the meeting and the nature of the people in the audience. Besides, it is your story and the audience will just have to find their own linkage between your adventure in the Arctic and the world of real estate. If you are the closing speaker, do not listen to any of the previous speakers and make absolutely no attempt to tie in what the audience has already heard before your speech. And above all, make sure you speak without vocal inflection or body movement, so that the audience becomes comatose at the day’s end. Remember, take as much time as you need and ignore the time limit. The speakers after you will just have to make adjustments. Regardless of where you are in the program, remember to TELL and not show the audience. It’s up to them to use their imaginations. And make sure your slides are confusing, unable to be read, and require an MIT grad to figure out the chart you used. ------  Now that we've identified what makes for speaker horror stories, stay tuned for a subsequent post about what turns a speaker  into a solid meeting planner partner.  I'd like to think it's one of the things I strive to with my clients.

Here's an interesting confluence: Valentine's Day was Sunday.  Monday was President's Day. This fascinating juxtaposition offers the secret to how great leaders sustain performance, keep talent, and thrive in the face of challenge: love. George Washington could never have kept starving troops in freezing Valley Forge if the men didn't care for him, the cause, and visa versa. Abraham Lincoln, probably the most admired of all U.S. presidents, based his entire career on the love of freedom and equality. His second inaugural address holds love as its essence: "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan - to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations." – Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865 Had he lived, this vision of an internal peace would have brought many war-weary people to his side. A resilient leader loves in this manner: The work and the purpose for the work The people and their best communal interest The possibility to join hands and move forward together. How ironic that today, too many politicians seek to divide, throwing out words that are mean, vicious, cruel, and not intended to bind up wounds but rather create new ones and open old. Sustainability as a leader, as a nation, does need love. I wonder where it has gone. *Image by Alexander Gardner - http://www.britannica.com/bps/media-view/112498/1/0/0 , Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=17639208

Think “phoney” is spelled wrong? Think again. For relationships to be resilient and stand the test of time, your phone could get in the way. Specifically—your smart phone! Here’s a scenario we have all seen and probably participated in. A couple is sitting in a restaurant. Instead of talking to each other, they are engaged with their cell phone. They might as well have been sitting across from a potted plant! Relationships worth keeping require focus, attention and nurturing. According to Tom Rath, author of Are You Fully Charged? , a 2014 study titled ‘The iPhone Effect’ shows how the mere presence of a smartphone can ruin a conversation. In an experiment with 200 participants, researchers found that simply placing a mobile communication device on the table or having participants hold it in their hand was a detriment to their conversations. Any time the phone was visible, the quality of the conversation was rated as less fulfilling when compared with conversations that took place in the absence of mobile devices. People reported having higher levels of empathetic concern when phones were not visible. Bottom line, don’t be the dumb user of a smart phone. Put it away and out of sight in meetings, with colleagues, and loved ones. Honor your intention to pay close attention to the person in front of you. Besides, you can’t high-five, hug, or cuddle with a cell phone.

The Productivity Pro, Laura Stack, starts the year off with her latest book, Doing the Right Things Right. When a leader’s attention is focused on “the wrong things”, energy is dissipated and exhaustion can result. Enjoy this guest post by my colleague, Laura. The Big Five Health Factors from Doing the Right Things Right by Laura Stack Good health doesn't automatically produce productivity, but it prepares you for it. You can't do your best work when you feel bad. You've noticed how sluggishly your brain works after a poor night's sleep or a missed meal, how distracting a growly stomach can be, and how low self-esteem can create nagging anxiety. Now compare all that to workdays when you felt in tip-top condition, bursting with energy and good health. I'll bet you performed extremely well on those days. You can't control all the factors contributing to good health, but you can control most of them. I find these five most important to me: 1. Sleep. The typical adult requires seven to nine hours of restful sleep per night. Among other things, sleep helps you fend off infection and illness, because your body does most of its cellular repairs while sleeping. Sleep also forces you to stay in one spot while your muscles rest and recover. It lets your mind clear the slate and process what you've learned or experienced during the day. REM sleep helps you absorb new motor skills and gives your body the time to manufacture DHEA, a steroid that keeps the wakefulness steroid, cortisol, in check. Good sleep may even help you maintain a desired weight. Sleep deprivation produces a natural appetite stimulant called ghrelin, while depressing the production of leptin, an appetite suppressant. So the less you sleep, the hungrier you'll be. 2. Eat Well. Maintaining a good diet is all about ensuring you get the nutrients needed to keep your personal productivity machine working without adding weight that will drain your energy. Don't just count calories; balance protein, fats, and carbs, and get all the vitamins and minerals you need. How you eat is as important as what you eat. While you don't have to limit your diet to lettuce and carrots at every meal, exercise portion control to control your weight, especially as you age and your metabolism slows. 3. Hydrate. The human body consists mostly of water, so be sure to drink liquids throughout the day. But take care. Coffee, tea, and soda contain caffeine—a diuretic that pulls water out of your system. To avoid calories, steer clear of sugary drinks as well. Keep a bottle of water on hand and take an occasional swallow throughout the day to make sure you're getting the water you need. Drink at least a quart daily. 4. Exercise. Ironically, the more active you are, the more energy you have. That's because exercise helps you keep your weight down and gets your blood pumping. Set an exercise routine you can stick to, whether it involves ten laps in the pool each morning, a brisk walk twice a day, or visiting the gym three times a week. Otherwise, sneak in subversive exercise: walk upstairs to the next floor to go to the restroom, do squats or leg lunges while talking on your hands-free phone, walk on your treadmill while you watch TV, park at the far end of the parking lot, and so on. 5. Maintain Your Mental Health. Though some researchers argue you're more likely to succeed if your self-esteem isn't too high (thereby forcing you to constantly prove yourself), life is easier when you're happy. Add pleasant things to your environment: an ego wall, pictures of family and pets, optimistic sayings, funny cartoons, plants, whatever it takes to keep your spirits high. 6. It's All Connected. The Big Five are inextricably interrelated: sleep impacts weight as well as mental health, as do exercise and good diet; too much weight from poor diet and lack of exercise can contrib¬ute to self-esteem issues; happiness can convince you to take better care of yourself... you get the picture. Strive to get each of these factors under control, and your productivity will scale upward. Laura Stack, MBA, CSP, CPAE, aka The Productivity Pro®, gives speeches and seminars on sales and leadership productivity. For over 25 years, she’s worked with Fortune 1000 clients to reduce inefficiencies, execute more quickly, improve output, and increase profitability. Laura is the author of seven books, including Doing the Right Things Right: How the Effective Executive Spends Time. See http://www.3TLeadership.com.

Are we in danger of losing our way…of losing our ability to be resilient, thoughtful people? I am concerned.  Watching the Golden Globes, I thought my television was broken as the sound kept going in and out. Then I realized that the airwaves were being filled with profanity that thankfully I did not have to hear. Of course, Ricky Gervais set the stage by telling the audience, “Shut up, you disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum.” That’s supposed to be funny?  I don’t think so. Maybe the Golden Globes program was just following behavior we see elsewhere. Since when did political campaigning devolve into name-calling, racist generalizations, and foul language and not so subtle sexual innuendos coupled with telling people to “get lost”, “shut up”, and other things that I would never put in print? These adults—on screen, stage, and public office, are putting forth models for the children of our nation!  How can we fight bullying in schools when such low class, non-conversation is promulgated by adults? Long ago, when my office was next to the school bus stop, 5th graders would come in to see me before the bus came. They knew I was a writer and they asked me to teach them bad words so they could respond to kids who were shouting such things at them. “Hey guys,” I told them. “Four letter words are the sign of limited intelligence. What if I teach you big words, words that actually mean something and you will have the upper hand?” "Hey, Eileen," they responded eagerly. "That would be cool." And so I taught them phrases like: Bellicose behavior is symptomatic of a weak ego.In a battle of wits, I never argue with an unarmed kid - (a play on the wisdom of Dorothy Parker).Your four letter words indicate a lack of elocution and comprehension, not to mention a disdain for superior dialogue.Seems to me that belittling buffoonery bespeaks badly on your intelligence - an absence thereof. The kids practiced the phrases and then, in subsequent days, would rush in before the bus came, thrilled that they had stumped the bullying kids and asking to learn more BIG words. Those 5th graders got it. I am not suggesting that multi-syllable words are a solution. But I do want to highlight a degradation of language and thoughtful conversation. I live in the world of words: spoken and written. When we no longer can have conversations without vulgarity, when we applaud statements that have no substance except sound bites, when we accept bullying behavior from adults and can only shout slogans back and forth, I fear for the sustainability and resiliency of the nation I love.

I was cleaning out my files cabinets over the holidays and came across a 91-page document from Caring Bridge. It was an account of an amazing teenager who was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer at age 13 and died just short of her 15th birthday. Let’s call her Kelsey for sake of privacy. As I re-read the account written by Kelsey (when she wasn’t too ill) or filled in by her mother, I was captured by how each difficult day became a way to find grace and goodness. Indeed, Kelsey, age 13 - going on 50 in wisdom - would write about the joys of seeing a sandpiper and the fun of helping someone else. Whether giving away her lunch to someone else, or expressing continuous gratitude for the smallest gesture to ease her pain, Kelsey wrote about gratitude. She literally wrote that instead of asking ‘Why me?” she started to ask “What for?” She believed her cancer was there for a reason and she looked to understand what it was for.With clarity in the midst of all this scary and painful stuff, Kelsey came to realize it was so she could help others. One of her Caring Bridge entries was about seeing a disabled boy in a wheel chair and how she realized how lucky that she could at least communicate. “I stopped complaining about not being able to walk and I thanked God for everything I can do. I decided I wanted to go to a place for Make-A-Wish where I can support underprivileged kids and give clothes and things they may need. It is exciting to me because I can make a difference as a kid.” I never had the opportunity to meet Kelsey or her amazing family, but my sister did and she shared this story with me: "I got to know Kelsey during this time and I was so moved by her courage and the strong spirituality that grew in her. She came to understand by the impactful connections she made with so many strangers around the world through Caring Bridge, that she was given this disease to be able to pray for others and help inspire and comfort them. The last time I visited her at City of Hope, Kelsey told me that she now understood her purpose on this earth. She took out her Hello Kitty notebook and showed me the prayers she wrote and said daily for so many people. Kelsey asked me whom I would like her to pray for. I felt so humbled in the face of her deep, strong faith. I told her about our 92 year-old mom and the very difficult struggles she was having. She took out her pencil and wrote a prayer for my mom in her notebook and read it to me. "I will pray for your mom’s strength and healing every day." Kelsey died just before her 15th birthday. She had planned her Quinceañera party but when she realized she wasn’t going to make it, she asked her parents to do it anyway and make it a joyful celebration for her and all the family and friends. People around the world celebrated her short yet powerful life. As we begin our work and life journeys in this New Year, I believe that resiliency comes when we seek meaning rather than madness. Resilient people discover that few people show up for a pity party. By reframing the suffering of her life, Kelsey touched more people, made more friends, and created a legacy.

I’m so disgusted and at times filled with despair for our world as the news screams of hatred, intolerance, violence, wars, and vicious public rants by would-be-“leaders”. How wonderful to pick up my phone at 7:15am on Monday and begin my week in conversation with a model of optimism and belief. Meet Arthur Bloom, one of the Top Ten CNN Heroes of 2014 and founder of MusiCorps, an amazing program that puts musical instruments in the hands of wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in Maryland. A Julliard-trained musician, graduate from Yale, and contemporary composer, Arthur told me that the concept of “adaptive music” began when he visited a solder who had lost a leg and worried that he’d never be able to play the drums again.“We’ll just have to figure out a way for you to do that,” replied Arthur. That statement cascaded into what is now a rehabilitative program that adapts instruments to vets who are missing limbs or have damaged hands. Under Bloom’s guidance, musicians volunteer as mentors, instruments are customized, and music becomes the discipline for bringing life and achievement to these men and women.They write, compose, study and practice—hours at a time. “When they play, it’s not about being wounded. It’s about the music. Trauma plus time has created incredible musicians.” The more I spoke to Arthur, the more I realized that he saw not brokenness but possibility. He didn’t hunker down and hide. He saw a need and continues to fill it…and he is very adamant that MusiCorps is not about him—it’s about the resilient efforts of the musicians. Watch this video as a MusiCorps play with YoYo Ma. You’ll strengthen your belief that good is in the world!