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I must admit - when I first read Jeb’s article I had to suspend my judgement until I got further along in his piece. And then I understood the merits. Too often, I’ve been “the nice guy” and ended up feeling taken advantage of and the relationship goes south. Be patient and read. Here’s the big take-away for me "In sales negotiations, you cannot lose sight of the lifetime value of the relationships you’ve developed and nurtured." In other words, relationships matter and must be protected.” And that’s a two way street. Enjoy Jeb’s article! Win-Win: Just Another Verse of Sales Kumbaya People, especially salespeople and those who manage them, often use the phrase “win-win” and negotiation in the same breath. The concept of negotiating win-win outcomes certainly makes sense in diplomacy, arbitration, and conflict resolution. “Win-win” is a noble concept. It’s nice when everyone wins. If both sides can walk away winners that’s a good thing. But win- win should not be your primary objective at the sales negotiation table, because as a sales professional, your objective is to win for your team. Salespeople delude themselves into believing that everyone needs to win and that negotiated outcomes must be “fair and equitable.” “Win-win” makes sense. Fair and equitable is an easy concept to wrap your mind and emotions around. Read the rest of the article on SalesGravy!

Children have a marvelous way of celebrating who they are. I remember watching my children with awe. It didn’t matter if they were playing a game with others, eating lunch, talking about their day or even watching a movie, they showed joy in everything they do.  And then there’s birthdays… On that day, a child goes from joy to pure ecstasy. A friend of mine recently shared a story about her granddaughters 7th birthday. Mary Elizabeth turned 7. Waking, this precious child jumped out of bed, hopped all over her bedroom proclaiming “Oh how wonderful. I’m seven. I’m seven. All my life I’ve wondered what it would be like to be 7. And now I know.” She looked down at her body and held up her hands. “Look I’ve even grown. It’s a miracle. I’m seven!” Don’t you just love visualizing that child? What a miracle - seven.” This story made me realize that many days I do NOT jump out of bed with joy. Instead, I stumble to the bathroom, peer at a face that seems to be getting older and wonder why the coffeemaker is taking SOOO long. I realize that we risk possible burn out and unhappiness if we approach each day a day like a grownup! And it made me wonder; what if Mary Elizabeth has it right? Why can’t I treat today like a miracle? Better yet, why can’t I treat every day like a miracle? No matter my age. No matter my worries. Thank you, Elizabeth for this teaching me this valuable lesson. I have the ability to choose how I see my day. Today, and for every today to come… What a miracle.

Entering a new decade pushes us toward envisioning what the future will bring. We set targets, make strategic plans, and talk about what where we want to be in 2-3- and 5 years. But maybe, by looking too far ahead, we are not creating the best use of what is around us. Maybe by looking too far out, I miss the treasure that lies at my feet. In fact, an early morning run prompted me to mist on what I need to build now, today, in this place and who is here, now, today to help me. Consider the lesson of my bush sunflowers.

Make no mistake: everyone is in sales. Whether it is your official role or you're a manager trying to sell an idea to a team; whether you’re a city official seeking a vote on a bond measure or a college student trying t get a great date for the football game—WE ALL SELL. This article first appeared in Jeb Blount’s web site Sales Gravy and I was also interviewed by him. Rejection requires resiliency as does acceptance because you’ll need energy—the hallmark of resilience— to achieve an outcome. Jeb has a new book "INKED: The Ultimate Guide to Powerful Closing and Sales Negotiation Tactics that Unlock YES and Seal the Deal" on sale today. To get a signed copy visit his site Sales Gravy or to buy on Amazon visit Amazon.com. In the age of 280 characters, Instagram, and OMG, BFF and LOL, authentic communication has taken a back seat to brevity and expediency, often at the expense of clarity and accuracy. From my research, I believe we want leaders whom we can readily connect with, trust their words, and believe in their commitment to a build a better future for more than the ‘chosen” and/or special interests. I do believe there is a secret code – because if it wasn’t secret, we’d see more leaders using these straight-forward communication concepts. Use real language over ad copy. Real language consists of unpolished phrases, hesitations, and vernacular. Real language is passionate and personal. Corporate speak goes out the window when the CEO sits on the stage, legs dangling and then talks upfront and personal with the rank and file. Or consider Martin Luther King’s speech in which he used everyday language to paint a picture of a dream. Use symbols instead of spreadsheets. Numbers on a page and banners on a wall have no emotional buy-in. Look at the current dramatic increase in donations to ALS because of the Ice Bucket Challenge. The horrific data behind ALS has not shifted but rather, when 29 year-old Pete Frates, BC grad and former college baseball player announced he had ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), he prompted a scheme to raise awareness and raise research money. Freeze out the disease for which death is the only outcome. (To be fair. social media has spread this symbol and generated a massive response. But without the symbol, social media would not have had such success.) Share wisdom instead of data. Data points, calculations, and statistical bar charts and graphs might look good but what do they all mean? As a former debater, I can tell you there are many ways to slant data to reinforce the point you want to make. What we seek is wisdom from the data. A great leader also invites others to dissect what data “might” mean, not seeking absolutes but trends, insights, and innovations. From wonder comes wisdom Use storytelling instead of telling. Leaders need to be great teachers. Great teachers use stories as a way to make a point memorable. Consider the parables from the Bible, Aesop’s fables, or the letter from a non-profit that relates the STORY of a person who was helped by the charity. We read. We hear. We remember. Facts tell. Emotion sells.
Inside an organization, a great leader asks employees, “Tell me why we’re in business.” If the answer is a blank stare, a finger pointing to a posted mission statement, or the response, “to make money”, you’ve lost engagement.
Ask for a story about when the employee was excited by his work. If no one’s excited, if there are no stories, the next question would be: “Can you make up a story that would have you go home at the end of the day feeling great?” The child of a clinical researcher in a global pharmaceutical company obviously listened to her mother’s stories. When asked what her mom did, the little girl immediately responded, “You make medicines for sick children.” That’s a story! Practice dialogue instead of discussion. The word “discussion” has the same root as “percussion”, the musical instruments that you hit like steel drums, cymbals, bongos and the like.
The word “dialogue” actually comes from two Greek words–dia, meaning “through,” and “logos”, most frequently but only roughly translated in English as “the meaning.”
A leader who uses dialogue seeks to dig deeper into what someone is saying. It means practicing naïve listening, refraining from judgment and listening as if everything is new information. One can never tell what gems might be reveled. Like all great secrets, we yearn to share them. Do so. Teach them to everyone. Looks simple, but takes practice and it beats only using emoticons and a limited character count.

Andy Gove, in his landmark book Only The Paranoid Survive, stated “a strategic inflection point is a time in the life of a business when the fundamentals are about to change.”  This is precisely my mantra in exploring what helps an organization be resilient and forward moving versus a potential dinosaur. Think Kodak, Blockbuster, and video tapes. Change was there but the willingness to pay attention was not. Rita McGrath, Professor of Business at Columbia offers keen advice in her newest book: Seeing Around the Corners: How to Spot Inflection Points Before They Happen. Unlike some business books, McGrath distills easily accessible and actionable wisdom in every chapter. One of my favorite pieces of advice is what I have termed the “orange batons”. If you’ve heard me speak, you know I am talking about the folks on the tarmac who hold orange batons and bring in jets for parking safely on the jetway. They are on the ground because the pilots literally can’t see the markings on the tarmac. Rita insist (and I believe rightly so) that “it’s the people at the fringes who are most likely to see it first: the sales people; the people in customer service who know what is on people’s minds, the scientists… it’s not around a conference table or a board room.”According to McGrath, “Virtually every major inflection point she studied there was early evidence of one’s potential long before it happened.” Sadly executives stay focused on delivering the current quarter, handling day-to-day pressures, and because of their very success, stay safely ensconced in headquarters with internal staff. So: here is your first marching order. Get out of your normal “zone”.  Seek people whom you haven’t spoken to and then listen, naively listen. I still remember walking through a steel plant in Ohio and the operator of one of the huge furnaces gestured with disdain at the executive office a few blocks away. “I’m retiring in three weeks. I know how we can make this operation better, but no one from that office (again another gesture) would ever think of coming here and asking me what I know.” Great way to march into resiliency for 2020. I’d love to learn what you discover.

The Amare Wave is about making business better by putting love, or “amare,” to work. It repositions business as a powerful force for good, and shows a different way to prosper, based in the power of love. Through the seven timeless principles of the Amare Way philosophy, the ABCs of the Amare Way practice -- authenticity, belonging, and collaboration -- and numerous stories, reflective activities, and concrete action steps, people will emerge with the courage and know-how to transform themselves, and grow their organization into its best. The first Amare Way principle is simple: Treat One Another Well. While this encompasses the age-old Golden Rule, it goes further by requiring empathy and compassion. Compassion is the understanding, connection, and feeling of caring we have for the suffering of others. It has also been defined as “holding space for anything, without judgment.” Compassion creates happiness too. As the Dalai Lama said: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Psychologist Jonathan Haidt has shown that in the work- place, feeling uplifted through compassionate acts—a state of being he calls elevation—leads to greater loyalty. When leaders were compassionate, their employees were uplifted, which in turn led employees to feel greater loyalty toward the compassionate leader, and to act more compassionately to other employees, as well as to customers. In business settings, there is a long history of characterizing “soft skills” like empathy and compassion as signs of weakness, of being feminine, or of not being tough. In short, for many years, the prevailing ethos was that these practices don’t belong in business and that they hurt profitability. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Based on the law of reciprocity and the science of human behavior (or the notion of karma, if you prefer), you will reap benefits from treating others well—because when you are good to others, they are more likely to be good to you. It’s not only human nature, but it’s a survival instinct in our highly social, interdependent world. Here is what treating one another well looks like in relation to business: Put yourself in others’ shoes: Ask yourself how you would react if what you did or said to a colleague or customer was being done or said to you—if you were in their position. This is empathy at work. Filter your words : Before you speak, submit your words to what some call the three gates of speech. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Slow down : In tough situations, take a breath—actually stop long enough to breathe in and breathe out—before you react. This helps you ground yourself and find compassion. Tune in : If you sense misalignment, harshness, incivility, or lack of respect for others, acknowledge it, apologize if appropriate, and reframe things to better honor the other person’s humanity. Offer compassion : If a colleague or customer is going through a rough time, rather than merely seeing their problem as a disruptor to business, show them you care by asking what’s going on, expressing kind words, or offering some one-on-one time. Remember amare : Keep top of mind the meaning of amare that is “being grounded in a desire to better each other’s well-being.” This sets the stage for treating others well in business and life. As you can imagine, adopting this one simple idea of the Amare Way philosophy, and sincerely putting it to work, can dramatically change your business.  T he Amare Wave: Uplifting Business by Putting Love to Work is available at Amazon.com . DR. MOSHE ENGELBERG inspires businesses worldwide to be their best by thinking different, acting courageously, and leading with love. His innovative ideas and approaches are deeply rooted in a combination of applied behavioral science and diverse wisdom traditions, tested and refined through almost three decades of consulting with world-class organizations. As founder and head of the business strategy consultancy ResearchWorks , his clients include global health and technology companies, federal and state government agencies, large and small nonprofits, foundations, and startups. Moshe is a teacher at heart who helps others find the deep knowledge and truth they hold within. His extensive academic credentials include a PhD from Stanford University in Communication, and Masters degrees in both Psychology and Public Health. He has published numerous research papers, and designed and taught many executive education and graduate-level courses. As a speaker, Moshe consistently delights and inspires audiences with his innovative thinking, open heart, dry wit, and practical “how-to” tips and techniques. The Amare Wave converges lessons Moshe learned through years of consulting with a wide array of businesses, mentoring executives, teaching, and his own spiritual journey. His next book in the Amare Way series, Riding the Amare Wave: Inspired Stories of Leading with Love , is in the works.

Just think: the last year with the same numbers was 1919. It will be 100 years before this happens again. 2020 not only has a weighty presence but in term of vision, 2020 signifies clear eyesight. Unlike past years, I believe 2020 beckons us to deeply search for what would be our best, most clear vision for our lives, our nation and our planet. Heady stuff, I know, but the fact that we are alive at this time is pretty significant. Each of us has a role to play and a purpose in a world that is more interconnected yet more fragile than ever before. No one is insignificant. In his book, The Power of Intention, Wayne Dyer, wrote that willpower is less effective than imagination which is the link to the power of intention. Here are my imaginations and intentions.  I imagine being engaged in speaking and writing assignments that bring out the best in my audiences and readers, leaving them unified and instilled with a sense of purpose. My intention is to connect with those audiences and to bring my new book into their hands before this year is out.I imagine that my nation has found a way to cross what divides us and, instead, look to what could be in the best interest of all, protecting the most unique democracy in modern times. My intention is to seek opportunities to listen deeply, to seek to understand, and to be a more active participant in our governmental processes.I imagine that resilient, forward-thinking companies have voluntarily reduced waste and carbon emissions while, at the same time, are operating from a 3-point model: healthy people, healthy profits and healthy planet. My intention is to learn from my granddaughter how to create a zero waste household and to promote via blog posts and social media the good news about companies who are doing their part for our planet. I am not going to cure cancer, balance an out-of-whack Federal budget, circumnavigate the globe on a tiny sailboat, or design the greatest AI robot. But I will make a point of practicing kindness, looking for what is good, and rejoicing when I hear from any of my followers. Happy 2020!!!

When I laced up my running shoes and headed down to Dana Point Harbor on Thanksgiving morning, I did experience a twinge of regret. No Thanksgiving at my house. A broken hot water pipe under the floor of my kitchen and dining room had turned my gorgeous wood floor into splinters. Restoration crews had already yanked out my cabinets and an environmental team was scheduled to show up the next day to break into walls and determine mold damage. AAARGH! But as the sun rose over the mountains and broke into the cloudy morning, I thought about my assistant, Francesca, and having her first Thanksgiving without her younger sister who died in her sleep just weeks earlier. I remembered that I was running in this race with 10,000+ people to raise money for FEED America. I remembered 2 years ago when I ran in pouring cold rain and thought I would never complete the course. I remembered that I had just paid all my bills and whispered a word of gratitude that there was still some money left in the bank. But it was the runners themselves who surrounded me and just made me laugh. One runner wore a complete turkey outfit. Her companion wore an apron and a big chef's hat and carried a turkey baster so she could constantly spurt water at her friend, “the Turkey”. I saw many felt turkey carcasses on the tops of people's heads. There were people dressed like elves and Santas, reindeer and rap stars. It seemed to me that there were more costumes this year than ever before. I think an economic crisis has all of us looking for something that can make us laugh. Laughter is indeed one of the hallmarks of resiliency. Here are just some of the pictures: a father and his 2 daughters running as the Indians from the 1st Thanksgiving. The next 3 men came as mustard, ketchup, and a hot dog. I can't believe they actually ran in costume the entire time. And of course, I'm not quite sure what this man had on his mind with his get-up. I think it was called "throw it all together". Strangers waved to each other and shouted happy Thanksgiving. Bystanders hollered “Run, Turkey, run!” Babies waved their arms from jogging strollers. And as I crossed the finish line, an active-duty Marine put a medal around my neck and I was able to shake his hand and say, “thanks for your service.” Wow! What a day.

Time to throw down the towel and admit there are some events in life over which I have no clue and stand helpless. Perhaps you have had them, too. This is the time when you frantically search your data base or your brain and say, “Now, who can help me?” Here is what happened: Brother Bill has announced to my husband that he’s VEGAN. AND… he’s coming for dinner. “Are you nuts,” I holler. “He’s a football jock. A draft for the Steelers. He’s into construction and real estate and…” I quickly dash off an email to sister-in-law Rita. “Yep,” his wife Rita writes me. I can HEAR the sigh in the email. She’s Italian: the pasta, sausage, cheese, fish. Glorious entrees and even more glorious desserts. “You might try grass and hay,” she suggests, Right. Grass? In Southern California, you can smoke it. Not me. And in our case, we like the rebate from the water department so our lawn is all artificial. Wonder if he’d ever notice plastic over petunias? I feel like the folks in the commercial: on the floor, helpless and WHO will get me up??? Jessica Dempster is the answer!  She and Neil are vegans, live in Scottsdale, an 8-hour drive away and instantly close by email. We’ve eaten at their house and could have sworn the shish kabobs were lamb and not vegetable. Her cheese spread would put the Swiss to ecstasy until they found out it had no animal milk in it at all. She and Neil are built like top models. He’s a tall, handsome Viking. She’s a gorgeous lass from a cacophony of Irish, British and a bit of the Huguenots. (They were the upstarts that got turfed out of France in the 16th century for having the audacity to threaten the Catholic crown and Paris.) In short, Neil and Jessica exude health, happiness, and hormones. She will be able to tell me, in simple, easy-to-understand terms with even simpler ingredients, how to become an effortless vegan hostess. And I know I won’t have to stock the pantry with things that we carnivores will never use until we get the warning signal that a vegan is coming. Forks over Knives is the cookbook Jessica suggests although I point out that SHE should write this hostess guide, cookbook, and survival manual. Stay with me and you will never fear a dinner party again. We might even throw in some gluten free items. (My niece—Bill’s daughter—has celiac disease. Heck—if I am picking Jessica’s brain, why not go for the entire enchilada! If course, only if it is made of corn and has not meat or cheese in it.)

One would think that with September behind us, all the scheduling for school events, business meetings, business trips, and project deadlines would be complete. Alas, work is never done and what we think was a manageable load becomes the creeping embers for potential burnout. Consider these tips: Set boundaries. Thanks to digital mediums, email, smart phones and the like, electronic interruptions happen on top of one another. And it will continue unless you take control. Decide IN ADVANCE what takes priority and when you will deal with it. For example, set an auto responder that says you will answer email between 9 and 10am and again from 4-5pm. Never on the weekend unless it’s an emergency. You have to stick to your boundaries or offer a clear reason when it’s ok to over step them. Build in a buffer zone. Don’t plan tasks back to back. Give yourself a buffer. First, somehow tasks always take longer than you anticipate and, in that buffer you need time to refresh and recharge. For example, as soon as this post is written, I am going for a walk. I have a conference call this evening and I want my brain and body to be alert. Know your limits. If you are a morning person, then set up the harder tasks for the morning when you are fresh. If your body clock works the other way, get thru the easier tasks in the AM and save what is harder for the afternoon. Honor your personal priorities. No one will ever be on their death bed and exclaim “I wish I had worked more!” You want to live with no regrets and only real people will weep for your demise. If you are stuck thinking out what “no regrets” means for you, read Sam Horn’s marvelous new book: Someday is not a Day of the Week .

We have all heard the expression: “Be careful what you ask for. You might get it.” The same thing applies to words that we toss around so casually. Words color our imagination and evoke emotions. In fact, someone said recently said to me, “Don’t look for deficiencies. Look for proficiency.” The simple word changed my thought process. Anyone in a leadership position has an enormous obligation to select words carefully. As Mark Twain famously said, “The difference between the right word and the wrong word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug.” Consider the difference between the word “invasion” and “migration”. Even without the political implication, you can see how a raft of emotions differ with just one word. For a leader to say to the rank and file, “Our merger is tenuous” instead of “our merger is tentative” sets up potential expectations of either a positive or negative nature. There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. There’s a difference between describing an elder as aged versus experienced. In our hurried 24/7 world, I believe that creating a culture of optimism, compassion and collaboration depends greatly on the language we use as well as just how we say something. But since so much of our “communication” falls in the digital realm with 280 or less characters, words become even more paramount. Something to think about.

It’s an epidemic: loneliness! And it’s felt around the globe! It’s not determined by the actual number of friends or social connections, but rather an absence of meaningful relationships. In a recent study of some 20,000 Americans by health insurance company, Cigna, forty-seven percent of the respondents said they often felt alone or left out. Forty-one percent of Britons say television, or a pet is their main source of company. In Japan, a government study found that more than half-a-million people spend at least six months in their home without outside contact. And sadly, Generation Z members (ages 18-22) and Millennials (23-37) scored the highest for loneliness. For these two groups, despite digital connections, social media often portrays a curated life that doesn’t compare to their real world. Inadequacy runs rampant. Why care? Loneliness makes people sick. In the book I am currently writing, Burnout to Breakthrough, Building Resilience to Refuel Recharge and Reclaim What Matters , I share a Brigham Young University study found that loneliness shortens a person’s life by 15 years. Without an emotional support network or feeling connected, unhealthy habits creep in, along with possible substance abuse, a sedentary life without exercise, and isolation. The latter can leave one at danger in case of an emergency. Loneliness triggers the release of stress hormones that can be dangerous if exposed over long periods. This short article can only begin to scratch the surface of what one can do in the face of this epidemic. Let me offer three ways to connect for yourself and then, three ways a leader can help her team member connect. How to help yourself connect: Follow the advice of Cal Newport , professor of Computer Science at Georgetown and author of Digital Minimalism . Try a 30-day fast from your smart phone. This means eliminating all but ESSENTIAL apps, notifications, rings and dings. Refrain from looking on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and whatever current social pages you scroll. Yes—and put that phone FAR away at night. Make it a point to greet every stranger you pass in your walk or run. Just smile, say good morning, whatever! I have started doing this. It’s a heart warmer to see people face’s light up. Dogs want to have their heads scratched and where else can I find a two-month old puppy that the owners let me hold and snuggle? If you are very adventurous, watch for groups or families who are trying to get one of their party to take a picture. Offer to take the picture so no one is left out. You’ll be rewarded AND feel connected. Invite one person from work, your neighborhood, your school to come share a meal with you. Nothing fancy. When they look surprised, let them know that it’s time you share more than space on this earth. This take courage but—lead with your heart. After all, courage is from the French word for heart. How to help your team connect: The next time two or more team members are gathered with you, before you start the meeting, suggest that it's time to connect on more meaningful levels and not just the clear-cut business agenda. Share something personal about yourself. Perhaps a fond memory as a child. Or one of your most embarrassing moments… the funnier it is, the better. Invite whomever would like to speak next. Ask one of them to come up with a “here’s what you don't know about me” statement for the next gathering. It’ll take a while to loosen the soil but aha, the garden you are planting can be wonderful. Design space for team members to sit together in a casual setting. It might be in the coffee room. Teachers have lounges for a reason, but lounges have disappeared in most other environments. Make sure the environment is pleasant and not battleship gray! Practice gratitude. Tell each team member something you have noticed and appreciated about them, whether it’s going the extra mile or staying the course although it’s tough. This lets them know that YOU know and connects on a personal level. “Live in fragments no longer. Only connect” -E.M. Forester