I just got a call from my dear friend Emory Austin.  We’ve known each other for years through the professional speaking community. “Eileen,”  Emory, said. “I’ve been thinking of you because I need to be working on my resilience”. She now lives in an apartment as part of an independent living facility. An unexpected battle with cellulitis and A-fib (arterial fibrillation) landed her in the hospital.  What is Cellulitis? For those who don’t know, cellulitis is usually a superficial infection of the skin. But if severe or left untreated, it can spread into the lymph nodes and bloodstream. Cellulitis usually affects the lower legs, but it can occur on the face, arms and other areas. The infection happens when a break in the skin allows bacteria to enter. Left untreated, the infection can spread to the lymph nodes and bloodstream and rapidly become life-threatening.  The challenge for Emory is that treatment for the cellulitis can compromise the A-Fib. Likewise, she was desperate to go to her granddaughter Sarah’s wedding but her physical condition held her captive.  Upset, disappointed, and angry at her physical challenges, Emory said “I kept thinking about how cruel life was.”   The next day, Emory called me and said “I need your help. You are the resilience expert.”  So, we talked. Here’s what I told her. Practice These Steps of Resilience from the Hospital Bed Practice #1: Seek adaptability. Think about situations in your life that at⎯face value⎯were not great. What happened as a result of that situation? Reality:  Both Emory and I discussed such events… everything from divorce to breast cancer.  In each case, we ended up discovering strengths we didn’t know we had and meeting amazing people we would never have met. Practice #2:  Envision the best possible outcome. See it. Say it.  Reality: Emory talked about what would result from her being healed. Where might she travel?  Whom might she see? What would it feel like?  Her spirits improved just from this conversation. Practice #3: Express gratitude. Emory called me the following day. It seems that since she was unable to go to the wedding, she had a surprise visit from all three of her own children and their families plus, her sister and her family.  For three hours, they talked, laughed, reminisced, and loved.   “That would never have happened at the actual wedding,”  exclaimed Emory. “I am so thankful. My gratitude for this unexpected event knocked the wind out of me.” Emory added, ‘When will I ever learn that a negative event is not final.” I admit to being thrilled with how immediately things turned around for Emory. Granted, that’s not always the case. But I believe that this simple resilience practice can turn dark into grey and eventually into white light, even when practicing resiliency from a hospital bed. What is your experience?

I was reminded of this old saying when I read what Dr. Mollie Marti, founder of Wordmaker Resilience Institute, wrote about her grief over losing a dear friend. As Mollie and I both believe, resilience is not a “been there-done-that” but one that ebbs and flows like the tides. Loss triggers a cry for resilience. Death is the one CERTAINTY we all will face. With Mollie’s permission, I share with you her insights into coping with sudden tragedy and sharing sorrow. 1. Grief is love. It’s part of our human experience to learn how to open pathways for love to continue flowing after loss. Mollie’s dear friend was the daughter of an Army veteran and a champion for kids. Mollie is now channeling some of her love of this dear friend into creating a new resilience toolkit to help military kids. 2. Small acts of care make a big difference. Messages of condolence and honoring sentiments offer strength and comfort. 3. Nothing is promised in life. “You already know the terms of existence here on the planet. The terms are absolutely anything can happen to absolutely anybody at any moment. And there is nothing you can do to control it.” Liz Gilbert. Mollie writes that each day must be lived to the fullest and never miss a day without expressing love and friendship. My question: what relationships in your life need tending today? 4. Grief is an invitation for empathy. Because grief is universal, allow grief not to be hyper-focused on oneself. Rather see it as an invitation to grow empathy for others. There are so many broken hearted among us. 5. You never know who needs kindness. Small random acts of kindness allow one’s spirit to be nourished and provide salve for its healing. In a world that often seems so filled with anger and hatred, kindness is needed more than ever. Ironically, I spoke today to a long-time friend who told me that her mother is now in hospice. I told her what I learned helping my mom prepare for the final passage. Mollie’s words came back to me in full force. Sometimes, the quiet of shared thoughts and listening might be the greatest kindness.

Mom called us in California that morning. She lived in Florida and had a 3-hour jump on us when it came to news. “We’re under attack,” she blurted out in a scared trembling voice. “Turn on the television!” And so, it started.   Now, 23 years later, I vividly remember that day and the aftermath: My speech for an aviation conference was cancelled. We stayed close to the television.  Airlines stopped flying, and airspace around DC and New York was sealed.  An old military base in Gander Newfoundland, Canada served host to 38 jets from around the world. The passengers in those grounded aircraft and the compassion of the residents in this Canadian province would later become a Broadway hit,  “Come From Away”.   In my neighborhood, kids set up lemonade stands with money being sent to first responders.  Within one-week, national newspapers carried stories of courage and self-sacrifice, of compassion and kindness. I vividly remember one account of a high-paid executive who announced her resignation.  She said that making money versus making a difference was what mattered now. Then multiple stories of similar career shifts appeared. My Resiliency Lessons from 9/11 My exploration into the world of resilience started with 9/11.   Here are my resiliency lessons from 9/11:  Do what you can, when you can, with whatever you have.  Moaning and crying over an event won’t help.  Take a deep breath. Remember action is the antidote for anxiety. Put something in motion.  Start small. But act. Act with compassion.   Compassion means with love and zeal for something or someone.  What we witnessed on 9/11 was love being poured out to others, often to complete strangers. Families and strangers came together.  Today, we desperately need that compassion in growing through challenging times. Design small rituals that ground you for the day.  Life is so uncertain. For me, a morning ritual of meditation followed by a run outside along my ocean centers me in body, mind, and spirit. Express gratitude .  I could write pages about the value of being grateful. Begin and end each day with either verbalized or written words of gratefulness.  The horrific events of 9/11 caused all of us to stop, to reach out to loved ones, to mourn the sacrifice of so many.   Those sacrifices continue today in our communities. Gratitude is not found in meanness, greed, selfishness and bigotry. Know what brings you to joy in this journey of life. For many of us, it is the feeling of contribution and service. It is my hope that these blogs and my e-zine do—in some small way—contribute to your life.

Laughter Lifts the Load In tough times, humor is an essential survival skill. Talk can also be funny. Not the sarcastic biting humor of put-downs and inside jokes, but rather the humor that can lighten a difficult situation or put something in perspective. A travel agency was known for helping its agents get through difficult customers by awarding the Order of the SALMON. At the end of the week, agents would know which agent had the most challenging week with customers yet still managed to keep a positive interaction going. With much fanfare, the agent explained the challenge and was urged to exaggerate and use as much humor as possible. She was then awarded a plastic salmon for her ability to SWIM UP STREAM. Being able to talk about the week, laugh at the difficulties, and be rewarded for staying calm helped generate both fun and connection within the office. Laughter can put people at ease if it is used to acknowledge what everyone is thinking. I was asked to speak at a convention in which the main session room temperature hovered around 50 degrees. People were wrapped in tablecloths. By the end of the second day, it still had not warmed up. When it was my turn to talk, I welcomed them by saying, “Welcome to the land of the frozen chosen.” Gales of laughter and applause burst out. It made a point. The attendees were CHOSEN to be there. It was a privilege. Humor also lets us divide the serious from the mundane. Yes—the room was way too cold. But in the scheme of things, it was not as important as gathering to work out a new marketing strategy. Humor can also point out the trite and the silly things we all do in work, relieve tension, and probably improve a process. When one group acted out a very funny skit around the various voice mail doom loops a customer had to go through in order to get to a human being, everyone laughed…and the system changed in short order. Break the Silence The greater challenge will be pulling people away from their smart phones and text messaging to actually have a conversation. A number of organizations are experimenting with “topless” meetings—as in laptop-less meetings. Years ago, San Francisco design firm, Adaptive Path, put a crackdown on “crackberries”, as former President Todd Wilkens called them in his company-wide blog. He claimed that people would now look each other in the eye, develop closer connections and meetings are more productive. Productivity? Performance? If the talk quotient is increased, you bet. Talk might very well become the golden key.

Communication Strategy # 1: Conduct a Talking Stick Meeting A talking stick meeting ensures that everyone's ideas and inputs are heard. The person holding the stick is guaranteed the right to speak freely without fear of reprisals, humiliation, or interruptions. This practice was used by many Native American tribes to ensure that all voices were heard. Talking Stick, Communication Strategy Meeting Checklist: Create a focus question to present to the group, assuring them that all are invited to speak, without interruption or humiliation. Form a real circle with everyone in the circle. This brings equality When everyone who wishes to speak has spoken, summarize the conversation and what you will do with the information.   Communication Strategy #2:  Seek Out the “Orange Batons” If you get a window seat on a plane approaching the terminal, look out for the person guiding the 737 aircraft, which weighs over 90,710 pounds, into position. Those small orange batons they wield carry a lot of authority at that moment—and rightly so. A line painted on the tarmac indicates exactly where the front wheel of the 737 must stop. If not properly aligned, passengers at the gate could end up with a pilot in their laps. The pilot, sitting too high to see this line, relies on the guidance of those holding the orange batons to position the aircraft correctly. In the workplace, everyone has their own "orange batons." The higher a manager is in an organization, the more critical it is to communicate effectively with those on the ground. As customers, we've all encountered frustrated service reps who can't assist us because senior managers have implemented restrictive practices. For instance, when I needed support for a Delta Sky Miles Account, the agent informed me they couldn't directly contact the support team. "We can only use FAX and Courier service," they said. Both the agent and I were frustrated because higher-ups had made decisions without consulting the "orange batons" to understand the implications. Communication Strategy #3:  Pay Attention to Little Davids When Patrick Harker, the former Dean of the Wharton School, was asked about the key factor behind the school’s most successful fundraising campaign ($425 million in six years), he emphasized the importance of engaging the next generation of alumni leadership. Listening to the voice of the younger generation is a practice that dates back to the Middle Ages and the Benedictines. The abbot of a monastery would make decisions after consulting all the monks, starting with the youngest. Similarly, if the elders in the Old Testament had heeded the young David with his slingshot, the giant Goliath would have been defeated swiftly. David was right, but it took time for the tribe to realize that youth and inexperience do not equate to lack of skill. Who are the newest or youngest members on your team—your "Davids"? These individuals often ask the most insightful questions because they are not influenced by office politics, past practices, or established protocols. Seek their opinions. Challenge them to teach you something within their first three months. I guarantee that these employees will strive to bring you innovation or, at the very least, valuable insights into your procedures, products, or services. “Words of wisdom are spoken by children at least as often as scientists.” —James Newman, American Astronaut

- Gio Evan, poet and songwriter.  Translated from Italian. Try to travel, otherwise you may become racist, and you may end up believing that your skin is the only one to be right, that your language is the most romantic and that you were the first to be the first. Travel, because if you don't travel then your thoughts won’t be strengthened won’t get filled with ideas.Your dreams will be born with fragile legs and then you end up believing in tv-shows, and in those who invent enemies that fit perfectly with your nightmares to make you live in terror. Travel, because travel teaches to say good morning to everyone regardless of which sun we come from. Travel, because travel teaches to say goodnight to everyone regardless of the darkness that we carry inside. Travel, because traveling teaches to resist, not to depend, to accept others, not just for who they are but also for what they can never be.To know what we are capable of,to feel part of a family beyond borders, beyond traditions and culture.Traveling teaches us to be beyond. Travel, otherwise you end up believing that you are made only for a panoramaand instead inside youthere are wonderful landscapes still to visit. Gio Evan, poet and songwriter. You can learn more about him at https://www.facebook.com/gioevanofficial/

Senior leaders come with experience, credentials, and perhaps community prestige. However, do not discount Gen Z at your peril. These young people want a place at the table and do not hesitate to share ideas and insights. In fact, fresh eyes can detect possibilities and problems that might be overlooked by a seasoned “leader”. Do Gen Z Opinions Matter? That’s an insight I got in talking to two Gen Z’s—ages 27 and 25.  The 27-year-old has a Master’s in public administration and is working on a counseling certification. She operates under a grant to assist high school seniors in lower socio-economic regions navigate their way into “what’s next” after high school.  The program has seen a rapid turnover of managers, and the new head of the program has never even come into the schools to understand and observe the work. This new “leader” has plenty of paper credentials and has served on major boards but truly doesn’t understand the world of the students.  The Gen Z employee has offered advice but is discounted. Hmmm. The 25-year-old has a Master’s in sustainability and currently works in handling corporate clients in the horticulture field. She shook her head in disgust when she said how much money is wasted and systems are broken. “However, no one wants to hear from me,” she shrugged. Nurture the Future Both Gen Z’s are looking for other positions.  What a waste.  A smart leader would step out of the senior halls and seek the front line.  Ask questions, listen intently, and take notes.  Show appreciation for their interest. Tell the Gen Z what will do with what you hear. And if there are impediments to following up on their input, let the Gen Z know and why. You are growing the future.

Ahhh, the music of Rogers and Hammerstein in the production Carousel. I love that song. In fact, any music by those two notable composers lingers in my memory and heart. Broadway musicals were key to my youth.  Mom and Dad would take us to “Theater Under the Stars”, an outdoor venue in Atlanta that only opened in the summer. Sitting on those hard concrete benches or on a blanket spread on the lawn, we’d listen to (and probably fall asleep to) songs with melodies and words that still bring pictures to my mind. In fact, to get through the chore of drying dinner dishes, we’d sing. We’d start with the alphabet and try and come up with music from various shows:  Annie Get Your Gun, Brigadoon, Camelot, Carousel, and more… As a teenager, I knew more of those songs than whatever was the current rage among my peers. I had to be taught about The Beatles, Beach Boys and more. No wonder I didn’t quite fit in. This summer—in the middle of mosquitos, heat, flaming political rhetoric, and more—maybe it’s time to take a break. Remember music that made you smile, sing along, perhaps dance. Teach it to your kids even if they snicker.  Who knows, music could be a common denominator that brings us together!

I read a report a few years back of a Hawaiian man who sued the makers of his favorite video game, claiming that he should have been warned it's addictive. The plaintiff says he spent about 20,000 hours playing Lineage II over the past five years. His addiction interfered with his “usual daily activities” such as getting up, getting dressed, bathing, or communicating with family and friends. First, without bathing in five years, who would want to communicate with him!  But I digress. There must have been a bonehead attorney out on the Islands who thought this case could be won.  Really? What has happened to personal responsibility? The Personal Responsibility of Accepting and Adjusting to All the Conditions in Life A Florida woman filed a $5 million lawsuit against Kraft, claiming its Velveeta mac and cheese cups took longer to cook than advertised. She claimed the packaging was misleading because it did not factor in time to open the packaging, add water, and stir in the cheese. Fortunately, a federal judge dismissed the case. It leaves me baffled. Are we a bunch of mindless idiots who have to be warned at every step of our lives? If I order coffee—not ICED coffee—it is SUPPOSED to be hot.  Still can’t get over that McDonald’s lost the case when a woman stupidly put the coffee cup between her legs at a drive in. How silly. The Personal Responsibility of Being Aware of Your Surroundings Or there’s the case where some teenager was texting while walking and fell into a water sewer. She sued the city. GIVE ME A BREAK!  Next thing you know, some idiot on a cell phone will sue the city because a traffic light turned red and he ran through it and was in an accident. Guess we need warnings that donuts can add pounds, eggs will break if dropped, and shower floors are slippery.  GEEZ. What do you think? P.S. Warning: reading my blog can be addictive

Pick up a paper, turn on the news, or glance at your smart phone. You’ll be flooded with all manner of stories filled with anger, hate, disparaging remarks, and cruelty. It makes me feel sick. This is NOT the world I want to inhabit nor the way I wish to live. I have a sense that you might feel the same. It’s why we are connected—we have an empathetic bond probably based on our conversations, my work with you and your organization, or that you resonated with some of my books. Sadly, I’m concerned that empathy might be dying. A study at the University of Michigan found that empathetic skills in college students have declined by as much as 48% over the last 8 years!!! Empathy is Uniquely Human A number of factors contribute to this decline. But there are two which really stand out: Smart phones are taking the place of in-person communication. Virtual meetings and remote work have replaced physical interaction. Think about it. How many times have you walked into a restaurant and found everyone looking at their phones instead of talking to each other? On a virtual call, how many people do not turn on their videos and all you see is a name? “Empathy is uniquely human. It cannot be mastered without face-to-face conversations.” Dr. Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation. Develop Empathy and Understand Here are some ideas to develop empathy and understanding—in your team, your family, and yes—your neighborhood. Schedule weekly meetings with informal, non-organizational discussions. Items can be: “my bravest moment”, “my dream vacation and why “, “If I could only…”. At home, make the dining table a no-phone zone. Same with bedtime. Model putting the phone away (on top of refrigerator, perhaps?) Create special events that are not related to work: an informal BBQ, board games, a trivia contest or a cooking class. To become more empathic, make these commitments: Listen deeply to others’ stories. Ask thoughtful, reflective questions. Seek to understand rather than be understood. Find what you have in common. One last thought: Greet a stranger. Notice something about them. Pet their dog (with permission). Smile.  I’m amazed at the positive reactions.

Blame it on the dog. Eddie is an adorable, fluffy American Eskimo, 17 years old, very deaf and blind in one eye. When my sister got an emergency call that they needed to go to Tucson, the regular dog sitters were unavailable. “Can you meet me halfway between Dana Point and Los Angeles and get Eddie?” I’ll never say no to my wonderful sister. We loaded his bed, a massive box with kibble, bone broth, dog treats, two kinds of pills, eye drops, and his leash.  Oh yes, and a folder with an Excel spreadsheet of instructions. Although Eddie has been at our house multiple times, he always had Susan and their husband, Tom, in attendance.  It never occurred to me that without hearing and limited sight, poor Eddie’s only remaining sense was smell. Susan and Tom were not here to sniff. Thus, “bedtime” was not on the agenda. I was up every hour for the first two nights when he barked. I don’t speak “dog,” so it was always a guessing game: food? Potty break? Or a walk? Or just outside to look at the stars? By day three, I was dragging. My brain was fuzzy. I was exhausted. How do parents with newborns do it?  I gave up my regular run and walked Eddie instead. I ignored one late evening bark and was rewarded with three piles of you-know-what on the beige Berber carpet.  Not Eddie’s fault. He tried to tell me! On day seven, the wonderful dog sitter was available so I could drive Eddie back to the home he knew so well. Happy camper on all counts. Let’s Unpack What I Learned About Exhaustion Think first. Then act.  If I had realized that my little four-legged buddy would be in a strange environment, I would have asked for Susan's clothing to put on his bed. It got me to question how often I say “yes” without looking carefully at what might be entailed.  I’ll bet I’m not the only one who jumps first and thinks later! Reframe the exhaustion as a learning experience. I met new people just by walking the dog. I found a fantastic carpet cleaner (Impressive Results) –yes, the company’s actual name) I discovered I do NOT have to run daily if I do serious walking. The world will not end if I leave emails unanswered for a day. Celebrate naps. I used to think of them as a sign of weakness. Now, I see them as refueling my body. I also started pondering good exhaustion: the completion of a long-dreamed project, the successful party for friends, the day’s end from exploring new cities, and … you can complete the list. Bottom line: Exhaustion runs the gamut. It’s the lessons we take from it that matter.

I heard three amazing women last night: Katrina Foley, the only woman on the Orange County Board of Supervisors; Sheerin Larijani, Senior Deputy District Attorney in the Office of the Orange County District Attorney; and Heidi Zuckerman, CEO and Director of the Orange County Museum of Art. There was so much takeaway as I listened to their tales of how they came to their respective positions. Consider this: Foley came from severe childhood poverty, Price was the firstborn of Iranian immigrants, and Zuckerman was the first woman to build two art museums. The constant refrain that came through was a willingness to seek good for a larger community, for the marginalized, and the uneducated. And to do that, they all had to speak truth to power.  Their sense of service left many of us thinking, “What can I do?” It starts by becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable, stepping into the unknown, and taking a risk.  It means saying ‘Why not me?” instead of  “Why me?”. No wonder I had a hard time falling asleep last night.