In the scheme of culinary talent, I cook a little better than average. The operative word is "cook". I cook killer soups: soups that vary in ingredients and size; soups that range from stick-to-the-ribs to light-and-fancy; soups that contain whatever leftovers haunt the Tupperware containers. But baking? That's another matter. Personally, I have this aversion to following recipes. Maybe that's why I like soups. Broth is pretty forgiving about whatever you add to it. But baking—there's the rub. Fail to follow directions and angel food cake tastes like the devil. Brownies turn into blackies. And lemon chiffon pie tastes like Chiffon dish detergent. All this makes my lemon cake nothing short of a miracle. I don't follow the recipe (natch!) and the result is a tangy confection that can be frozen and sliced into delicate pieces of pure delight. It has become my signature dessert for guests and a gift I send to friends, to colleagues, and to clients. Besides its mouthwatering sweet/sour deliciousness, folks seem just blown away by the fact that I took the time in this too time-intense world to bake them a cake. I realize the power of the old Pillsbury ad: "Nothing says lov'n like something from the oven…." Lemon cake has become the metaphor that connects our relationship. You, too, have your own version of lemon cake. What time will you spend to connect with someone who is important to you?

John is like many sales folks. He's clever, competent, competitive and VERY hungry. In fact, looking at his bank account, he's begun to feel some panic when he sees that his services aren't being retained at the normal clip. Face it, John is scared. The desperation comes out in conversation. "I've just got to book some business. I'm making tons of cold calls a day. I think I've lost my edge. Why aren't people hiring me?" The answer: because John is TRYING to sell. He's focusing on himself and his need. And the self-service inevitably comes out. What's John to do? (1) Stop cold calling. It's only feeding his feelings of rejection. The negative spiral just sends him deeper into deeper pit. (2) Go back to his files and look for clients with whom he had a great rapport and did good work. Read the files and then visualize the relationship he had with them. (3) Call these past clients but not to sell. Instead, it's time to let them talk about their current state of affairs, how they are doing, and just catch up. If there's a way John can help them, great. But that's NOT the object of the call. John's call is strictly to be of service with no personal agenda. That's it. Results? John finds himself relaxing into his natural state of being. His finds that's clients are delighted to hear from him. One or two begin talking about new ways they might use his service. He makes a few appointments. This is not a fairy tale. It happened to a wonderful sales colleague whom I coached. She discovered that when she let go of her needs, her internal well began to fill up with fresh ideas, renewed relationships, and possibilities for work driven by the clients and not by her. Serving beats selling many days.

It started at the rental car turn-in location. My friend is a "platinum" with Hertz - a great benefit I discovered when the rental agencies are a considerable distance from the terminal. Our driver grinned as she slide into the driver's seat and said she could hardly wait for school to begin. Turns out she's a school bus driver and with her seniority, she gets to pick her route. Her passion: autistic children. "I just love 'em," she grinned. "I get them again this year." Fascinating. Sincere. And difficult. We stopped to grab a bite of lunch before long flights. The waitress excitedly nodded when we ordered the cashew chicken sandwich. "It's our new menu. We just got it yesterday. That's a great choice!" She grinned and gave us a two-thumbs up signal. I don't know about you, but I rarely get service help excited by a menu. It was as if SHE personally made the sandwich. Fascinating. Sincere. And standing on your feet all day - difficult. At an adjacent Frontier airlines gate, I asked where was my plane and how come no rep was at the gate. "Listen," she laughed, "it's also my gate. I can do amazing things. Watch how quick I get this plane loaded. I'll do the same for yours. You'll see." I did. I's almost 6pm on a Sunday night and folks are cranky and tired. Not my gate attendant. True to her word, she efficiently started the process AND took time to actually read every boarding pass and call the passenger my name. She patted my arm when I went through. "See, Eileen. Told you I could do this." Fascinating. Sincere. And the job of a gate agent is difficult - very difficult. My seat mate was a young man, a rotating guidance counselor for grades 6-12 in the Costa Mesa, CA school district. "There aren't many men in my line of work - and particularly men of color," he remarked offhandedly. "DO you like what you do?" I asked. His eyes opened wide and he offered a wide smile. "I love it. I really feel like I am making a difference. So many of these kids have no one to talk to-- no one to model the right behavior." He proceeded to tell me a series of stories that would break your heart. "I'™s when they come back after they leave school that is most rewarding. You just never know if what you say today will suddenly click in years later." Fascinating. Sincere. And difficult - very VERY difficult. In each instance, the joy came from how each connected with another human being. It was the CONNECTION that made the most. Not the money. Not the title. The eyes staring at each other. The hands reaching out to help. Fascinating. Sincere. And maybe - with deliberate intent we could try it. Might NOT be all that difficult.

Dr. Howard Conn in Irvine, CA is a brilliant ophthalmologist and specialist in cosmetic laser surgery for the face. I went to see him for eyelid surgery. Sure I am thrilled with the results, but even more thrilled by his attention to service and truth. How many doctors would spend a FREE one-hour consultation and talk you OUT of an expensive procedure because it wasn't in your best interest? How many doctors would call you to check in and see how you are doing? How many doctors would give you their home number and cell number "in case of questions?" I only know one who does that: Dr. Howard Conn. This past week, I went to see him again. My appointment was for 2:30. Immediately at 2:30, he stepped into the waiting room and said that a procedure had just come up and he'd be delayed about 30-40 minutes. He could tell that I didn't have that kind of time. Instantly, he invited me back into an examining room and asked why I had come. I pulled out photos from a recent gathering and pointed-now--to my under-eyelid bags. Yes, he's helped the drooping upper lids, but what about this? He gently explained that I had no fat under my eyes and a very expressive face. "You'd not like the results in a few years," he explained. "Just keep smiling." He then wrote out a prescription for eye drops to help with the start of an inflammation I pointed out and wished me well. "No charge," he said. "See, there's always something good even if you didn't get the answer you wanted." I grinned at him, saggy bags and all. Now that's service and truth. And you, my clients, readers and friends, will just have to like me as I am :)

Is it my imagination or has service gone the way of the dodo bird, tax breaks for small cars, and an 8-hour workday? Here's my proof: Within one 24 hour period, I thought I had landed on a strange planet, spoke no English, and furthermore, was penalized for wanted to (gasp!) spend money with a business. First - there's the voice mail roulette. How many times have we slammed down a phone in dismay because not ONE option was what we wanted? But this call was even more absurd. The scenario: the digital avatar's voice saying, "Let me get some information first." You know you're in for a bad time when you say "no", and the digital sweetie says, "I'm sorry. I do not understand that word." It was one of my choices, for Pete's sake! How many different languages does it take to say NO!!!! Second deal breaker: I keep trying to get an operator. I press "o". "I'm sorry," says the avatar. "That is not an option." I start screaming "operator". "I'm sorry," says the avatar. "That is not an option." Don't ask me how I finally broke through to a human but when I did, I was informed that the response which would have gotten me immediately to a human was "agent." Now gang, I was not calling the airlines - though it is hard to believe. It was a phone company. Since when do they have "agents"? Final straw: I am now trying to get an 800 number. Another digital voice says, "I'm sorry. Our office hours are from 8 - 5:00pm EST. Please call back." Excuuuuuuuse me.! That means that those of us in the other time zones are non-customers. So, this is going to make "the competitive edge" really simple. Answer your phone. And if you can do it right away - get back within a 24 hour or less period. LISTEN to people when they call. Return every phone call. And make yourself available when the customer needs you. (Heck - on the West Coast, I take calls at 6:00am. I'm not a hero - but it IS 9:00am in Boston.) Simple. Doable. And not rocket science.

We learn from resilient souls often after their death, after words have been said and written about them. Such is the case of Jill Brzezinski-Conley who died of breast cancer at age 38 but left behind a foundation that encouraged people to “Rock What you Got…” The editorial by her friend Laura Ungar in USA TODAY on Feb 17, 2016 caught my eye as well as my heart. The accompanying picture of Jill showed a beautiful woman with a huge laugh and a set of perfect teeth. For those of you who didn’t read that edition, I am taking the liberty of sharing Jill’s lessons that came to her friend Laura because they are too valuable to miss. Here is what Laura shared. Live your purpose Jill proclaimed a purpose of believing that true beauty was defined by kindness, love and confidence. She spoke around the nation, encouraging everyone to ignore the phoniness of physical beauty and look instead at the beauty within. Live in the moment While many of us worry about the future or berate ourselves for the past, Jill apparently kept THIS MOMENT her total focus: from dancing in a kitchen to forgoing chemo to be with her family and friends. Wow. And her I sit worrying about “what’s next?” instead of thinking “What’s now!” Be generous As Laura described her friend, Jill seemed to want to know about others. She wrote messages to other patients, founded a charity to raise money for families fighting cancer and connected with others even up to her last days. Live within someone’s story in order to write about it Jill brought Laura into her world, sharing all that was happening and allowing her to stay beside her as the cancer spread. Read the full story here.  It is not my story to tell. It is Laura’s. As Laura expressed it, Jill’s power was to use her gifts to be an instrument of God. It reminded me that we all are instruments that can be used to inspire and help others. What’s your choice?

Want to make a meeting planner crazy and ensure that your name will be next to a notation that says “never again”? Over the past few weeks, I have seen some speaker antics that just blow my mind and, fortunately, convince me that those who are professionals will always have a place at the table. Operate on your time frame and not the client’s. Insist that you cannot come down for rehearsal or microphone check before noon. It is just too hard for you to get out of bed. Ignore the deadline for getting in any slide decks or introductions. Carry your PowerPoint on a flash drive and arrive less than an hour before your appearance, assuming that it can just be uploaded and ready to go. Ignore the context for the meeting and the nature of the people in the audience. Besides, it is your story and the audience will just have to find their own linkage between your adventure in the Arctic and the world of real estate. If you are the closing speaker, do not listen to any of the previous speakers and make absolutely no attempt to tie in what the audience has already heard before your speech. And above all, make sure you speak without vocal inflection or body movement, so that the audience becomes comatose at the day’s end. Remember, take as much time as you need and ignore the time limit. The speakers after you will just have to make adjustments. Regardless of where you are in the program, remember to TELL and not show the audience. It’s up to them to use their imaginations. And make sure your slides are confusing, unable to be read, and require an MIT grad to figure out the chart you used. ------  Now that we've identified what makes for speaker horror stories, stay tuned for a subsequent post about what turns a speaker  into a solid meeting planner partner.  I'd like to think it's one of the things I strive to with my clients.

Here's an interesting confluence: Valentine's Day was Sunday.  Monday was President's Day. This fascinating juxtaposition offers the secret to how great leaders sustain performance, keep talent, and thrive in the face of challenge: love. George Washington could never have kept starving troops in freezing Valley Forge if the men didn't care for him, the cause, and visa versa. Abraham Lincoln, probably the most admired of all U.S. presidents, based his entire career on the love of freedom and equality. His second inaugural address holds love as its essence: "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan - to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations." – Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865 Had he lived, this vision of an internal peace would have brought many war-weary people to his side. A resilient leader loves in this manner: The work and the purpose for the work The people and their best communal interest The possibility to join hands and move forward together. How ironic that today, too many politicians seek to divide, throwing out words that are mean, vicious, cruel, and not intended to bind up wounds but rather create new ones and open old. Sustainability as a leader, as a nation, does need love. I wonder where it has gone. *Image by Alexander Gardner - http://www.britannica.com/bps/media-view/112498/1/0/0 , Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=17639208

Think “phoney” is spelled wrong? Think again. For relationships to be resilient and stand the test of time, your phone could get in the way. Specifically—your smart phone! Here’s a scenario we have all seen and probably participated in. A couple is sitting in a restaurant. Instead of talking to each other, they are engaged with their cell phone. They might as well have been sitting across from a potted plant! Relationships worth keeping require focus, attention and nurturing. According to Tom Rath, author of Are You Fully Charged? , a 2014 study titled ‘The iPhone Effect’ shows how the mere presence of a smartphone can ruin a conversation. In an experiment with 200 participants, researchers found that simply placing a mobile communication device on the table or having participants hold it in their hand was a detriment to their conversations. Any time the phone was visible, the quality of the conversation was rated as less fulfilling when compared with conversations that took place in the absence of mobile devices. People reported having higher levels of empathetic concern when phones were not visible. Bottom line, don’t be the dumb user of a smart phone. Put it away and out of sight in meetings, with colleagues, and loved ones. Honor your intention to pay close attention to the person in front of you. Besides, you can’t high-five, hug, or cuddle with a cell phone.

The Productivity Pro, Laura Stack, starts the year off with her latest book, Doing the Right Things Right. When a leader’s attention is focused on “the wrong things”, energy is dissipated and exhaustion can result. Enjoy this guest post by my colleague, Laura. The Big Five Health Factors from Doing the Right Things Right by Laura Stack Good health doesn't automatically produce productivity, but it prepares you for it. You can't do your best work when you feel bad. You've noticed how sluggishly your brain works after a poor night's sleep or a missed meal, how distracting a growly stomach can be, and how low self-esteem can create nagging anxiety. Now compare all that to workdays when you felt in tip-top condition, bursting with energy and good health. I'll bet you performed extremely well on those days. You can't control all the factors contributing to good health, but you can control most of them. I find these five most important to me: 1. Sleep. The typical adult requires seven to nine hours of restful sleep per night. Among other things, sleep helps you fend off infection and illness, because your body does most of its cellular repairs while sleeping. Sleep also forces you to stay in one spot while your muscles rest and recover. It lets your mind clear the slate and process what you've learned or experienced during the day. REM sleep helps you absorb new motor skills and gives your body the time to manufacture DHEA, a steroid that keeps the wakefulness steroid, cortisol, in check. Good sleep may even help you maintain a desired weight. Sleep deprivation produces a natural appetite stimulant called ghrelin, while depressing the production of leptin, an appetite suppressant. So the less you sleep, the hungrier you'll be. 2. Eat Well. Maintaining a good diet is all about ensuring you get the nutrients needed to keep your personal productivity machine working without adding weight that will drain your energy. Don't just count calories; balance protein, fats, and carbs, and get all the vitamins and minerals you need. How you eat is as important as what you eat. While you don't have to limit your diet to lettuce and carrots at every meal, exercise portion control to control your weight, especially as you age and your metabolism slows. 3. Hydrate. The human body consists mostly of water, so be sure to drink liquids throughout the day. But take care. Coffee, tea, and soda contain caffeine—a diuretic that pulls water out of your system. To avoid calories, steer clear of sugary drinks as well. Keep a bottle of water on hand and take an occasional swallow throughout the day to make sure you're getting the water you need. Drink at least a quart daily. 4. Exercise. Ironically, the more active you are, the more energy you have. That's because exercise helps you keep your weight down and gets your blood pumping. Set an exercise routine you can stick to, whether it involves ten laps in the pool each morning, a brisk walk twice a day, or visiting the gym three times a week. Otherwise, sneak in subversive exercise: walk upstairs to the next floor to go to the restroom, do squats or leg lunges while talking on your hands-free phone, walk on your treadmill while you watch TV, park at the far end of the parking lot, and so on. 5. Maintain Your Mental Health. Though some researchers argue you're more likely to succeed if your self-esteem isn't too high (thereby forcing you to constantly prove yourself), life is easier when you're happy. Add pleasant things to your environment: an ego wall, pictures of family and pets, optimistic sayings, funny cartoons, plants, whatever it takes to keep your spirits high. 6. It's All Connected. The Big Five are inextricably interrelated: sleep impacts weight as well as mental health, as do exercise and good diet; too much weight from poor diet and lack of exercise can contrib¬ute to self-esteem issues; happiness can convince you to take better care of yourself... you get the picture. Strive to get each of these factors under control, and your productivity will scale upward. Laura Stack, MBA, CSP, CPAE, aka The Productivity Pro®, gives speeches and seminars on sales and leadership productivity. For over 25 years, she’s worked with Fortune 1000 clients to reduce inefficiencies, execute more quickly, improve output, and increase profitability. Laura is the author of seven books, including Doing the Right Things Right: How the Effective Executive Spends Time. See http://www.3TLeadership.com.

Are we in danger of losing our way…of losing our ability to be resilient, thoughtful people? I am concerned.  Watching the Golden Globes, I thought my television was broken as the sound kept going in and out. Then I realized that the airwaves were being filled with profanity that thankfully I did not have to hear. Of course, Ricky Gervais set the stage by telling the audience, “Shut up, you disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum.” That’s supposed to be funny?  I don’t think so. Maybe the Golden Globes program was just following behavior we see elsewhere. Since when did political campaigning devolve into name-calling, racist generalizations, and foul language and not so subtle sexual innuendos coupled with telling people to “get lost”, “shut up”, and other things that I would never put in print? These adults—on screen, stage, and public office, are putting forth models for the children of our nation!  How can we fight bullying in schools when such low class, non-conversation is promulgated by adults? Long ago, when my office was next to the school bus stop, 5th graders would come in to see me before the bus came. They knew I was a writer and they asked me to teach them bad words so they could respond to kids who were shouting such things at them. “Hey guys,” I told them. “Four letter words are the sign of limited intelligence. What if I teach you big words, words that actually mean something and you will have the upper hand?” "Hey, Eileen," they responded eagerly. "That would be cool." And so I taught them phrases like: Bellicose behavior is symptomatic of a weak ego.In a battle of wits, I never argue with an unarmed kid - (a play on the wisdom of Dorothy Parker).Your four letter words indicate a lack of elocution and comprehension, not to mention a disdain for superior dialogue.Seems to me that belittling buffoonery bespeaks badly on your intelligence - an absence thereof. The kids practiced the phrases and then, in subsequent days, would rush in before the bus came, thrilled that they had stumped the bullying kids and asking to learn more BIG words. Those 5th graders got it. I am not suggesting that multi-syllable words are a solution. But I do want to highlight a degradation of language and thoughtful conversation. I live in the world of words: spoken and written. When we no longer can have conversations without vulgarity, when we applaud statements that have no substance except sound bites, when we accept bullying behavior from adults and can only shout slogans back and forth, I fear for the sustainability and resiliency of the nation I love.

I was cleaning out my files cabinets over the holidays and came across a 91-page document from Caring Bridge. It was an account of an amazing teenager who was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer at age 13 and died just short of her 15th birthday. Let’s call her Kelsey for sake of privacy. As I re-read the account written by Kelsey (when she wasn’t too ill) or filled in by her mother, I was captured by how each difficult day became a way to find grace and goodness. Indeed, Kelsey, age 13 - going on 50 in wisdom - would write about the joys of seeing a sandpiper and the fun of helping someone else. Whether giving away her lunch to someone else, or expressing continuous gratitude for the smallest gesture to ease her pain, Kelsey wrote about gratitude. She literally wrote that instead of asking ‘Why me?” she started to ask “What for?” She believed her cancer was there for a reason and she looked to understand what it was for.With clarity in the midst of all this scary and painful stuff, Kelsey came to realize it was so she could help others. One of her Caring Bridge entries was about seeing a disabled boy in a wheel chair and how she realized how lucky that she could at least communicate. “I stopped complaining about not being able to walk and I thanked God for everything I can do. I decided I wanted to go to a place for Make-A-Wish where I can support underprivileged kids and give clothes and things they may need. It is exciting to me because I can make a difference as a kid.” I never had the opportunity to meet Kelsey or her amazing family, but my sister did and she shared this story with me: "I got to know Kelsey during this time and I was so moved by her courage and the strong spirituality that grew in her. She came to understand by the impactful connections she made with so many strangers around the world through Caring Bridge, that she was given this disease to be able to pray for others and help inspire and comfort them. The last time I visited her at City of Hope, Kelsey told me that she now understood her purpose on this earth. She took out her Hello Kitty notebook and showed me the prayers she wrote and said daily for so many people. Kelsey asked me whom I would like her to pray for. I felt so humbled in the face of her deep, strong faith. I told her about our 92 year-old mom and the very difficult struggles she was having. She took out her pencil and wrote a prayer for my mom in her notebook and read it to me. "I will pray for your mom’s strength and healing every day." Kelsey died just before her 15th birthday. She had planned her Quinceañera party but when she realized she wasn’t going to make it, she asked her parents to do it anyway and make it a joyful celebration for her and all the family and friends. People around the world celebrated her short yet powerful life. As we begin our work and life journeys in this New Year, I believe that resiliency comes when we seek meaning rather than madness. Resilient people discover that few people show up for a pity party. By reframing the suffering of her life, Kelsey touched more people, made more friends, and created a legacy.